The Journal of Cullen Stanton Rutherford
by The Queen's Blade
Summary: Cullen obsesses over the Inquisitor - whose wild sexual past (and present) both tortures him and makes him desire her even more. Just when he thinks he's getting closer to Emilia, a handsome, swinging mage from Tevinter draws her attention away from him. Can Cullen win her back? And exactly how far is he willing to go to be with her again? Standard warning: There will be smut.


Cullen had started a journal the day he met the Inquisitor, not out of any emotional or sentimental need, but because he was a man of details and he enjoyed keeping track of his thoughts and observations. Between lulls in training, reading those infernal reports, and meetings with the war council, he scribbled down his all thoughts about _her_. He always enjoyed going back and reading the progression of their relationship from "strictly Inquisition business" to "orgasm after orgasm" – although their relationship had come to a standstill as of late.

 _Because of that damned Dorian Pavus,_ Cullen noted to himself.

Ever since the smooth-talking mage had settled in with the Inquisition, Emilia had been distracted. Cullen felt so disappointed, from his heart all the way down to his painful blue balls. _What could she see in him? He seemed like he "prefers the company of other male mages" so why is she spending ALL her time with him? Why did I have to catch them giggling and whispering in the library last week, her leg thrown over his?_ He jotted all these anguished thoughts down, the empty parchment pages his only witness to this all-consuming fascination.

On cold and Inquisitor-less nights in his chambers, Cullen pulled his journal out of the hidden drawer in his desk and re-read his some of his entries.

 _Emilia Trevelyen. She is a rogue, an ex-thief, the black sheep of an old Free Marches family. She has light, fast fingers, adept with daggers or a bow. She can take down a fleet-footed halla before it notices her presence. She can slit a man's throat before he smells her exotic perfume. She has a quick and easy charm that has disarmed everyone, from nobles and farmers, knights and magisters._

 _While it is quite suspicious that she is the only survivor of the cataclysm at the Conclave, she came out of the explosion bearing a glowing green mark on her graceful left hand that can close the troublesome rifts and send the demons back to where they belong._

 _And she is a beauty. Raven locks, tanned skin, full lips, emerald green eyes – and quite big tits._

Cullen was sometimes embarrassed of some of the things he had written about the Lady Herald. He skips ahead a further in his notes.

 _Emilia came to watch us in the training yard today – and since it was warm, a few of us swung our practice swords without our armor on. I was concentrating on sparring with a few new recruits when I the smell of her ubiquitous clove cigarette told me she was watching me from nearby._

 _I could feel her eyes watching me, observing my attacks and movements. I made sure to not hold back on this fresh farm boy, wanting to impress her. I hit his shield so hard I blew him off his feet and he slid a few feet away from me, grass flying everywhere. Her throaty laughter was my reward._

" _Commander Cullen, you needn't be so rough on the fellow. He got here two days ago!"_

 _She had been standing along the railing around the sparring ring, in the shade with Iron Bull and his cohorts. I approached her, showing off a bit, swinging my sword with deft flicks of my left wrist._

" _He'll never learn unless I pound it in to him."_

 _She took a few steps away from her friends, who were talking amongst themselves._

" _I would gladly take – a pounding – from you, Commander, if it meant I could become a better swordswoman."  
_

 _She pushed a bit of my hair off my forehead, touching the tips of her fingers to the sweat on my brow. She stared at the scar along my lip and when I spoke, I was hoarse with desire: "I would gladly give you one if…" That blasted Krem snuck up on us at this point, acting innocent, but clearly interrupting. I changed my words in his company. "I would gladly give you a lesson any time you are available, my lady."_ _I excused myself and went back to work in the sparring ring._

 _There is no doubt she was flirting with me, is there?_

After this, Cullen had begun truly studying her, and writing down anything he could learn about _la femme Trevelyan_. Her favorite dish appeared to roasted wild pheasant with a mushroom gravy on the side. She preferred dark red wine to ale and could almost drink Iron Bull under the table. She was a wicked impressionist and could mimic everyone in Skyhold, including himself. She hated her authoritarian father and never wanted to speak to him again. She tilted her head when she was teasing you and looked straight at you when she wasn't. She could spin a coin around her fingers and make it disappear in midair, having performed such simple tricks like this when she was low on money on the streets of Cumberland. She thought Varric was hilarious – which was preposterous.

Cullen had circled this next bit because it had meant something to him:

 _Today Emilia told me has no strong opinion about the whole mage/Templar war, because as a former thief the only thing that mattered in her line of work was that the world stayed out of chaos so that there would be plenty of things to steal. She also thought we could all just stand to be nicer to each other. She graced her fingers over my wrist as she said this last part, sensing this subject was a deeply personal one – and I felt her touch there for the rest of the day._

His next note smacked of puppy love.

 _She is truly the Herald of Andraste. She is kindness and light. We played chess together today and she beat me, rather easily. She dropped a chess piece during the game and when she stooped to retrieve it, I noticed her ass looks like a piece of heaven._

Cullen smiled to himself because he did eventually learn that Emilia's ass was a piece of heaven, even if it had been denied to him as of late. If he didn't have her again soon, he was going to go mad.

The next entry in the journal had been an unhappy one. He had been driven to the dizzying heights of jealousy when this had happened:

 _Today in the war council in between bits of official business Josie and Leliana got Emilia on the subject of her former lovers. We had discussed sending her to the Storm Coast when she interrupted us to tell us she was familiar with the area, having once lived with a pack of bandits in the hills there, robbing hapless travelers, and making love under big oak trees and on the beach at night. When Josie asked her if she had a particular beau out of this group of criminals, she had answered that they were all her lovers. "I shared myself with all three of them. They were a handsome lot, so wild and free and - rugged." With a little smile she continued, "Could you blame me?" Josie and Leliana giggled like fools and demurred to her, making the whole situation worse for me. I excused myself, both infuriated and aroused by the idea of her being so ravenously fucked by 3 felons, but did not go far. I lingered on the other side of the door hoping they would continue._

 _Without my presence Emilia regaled them about her string of lovers. There was a count in Orlais who pined for her even though she had burgled his villa - multiple times. A Bedouin lord in the Hissing Wastes wanted to give up his entire harem for a lifetime of her pussy. A Dalish prince was willing to abandon his tribe in the Emerald Graves just to hunt by her side every day and sleep in her bed at night. A captain of a pirate dreadnaught had threatened to kill himself when she got sick of him, jumping ship and swimming to shore. In Emprise de Lion she had even had a Templar lover who shirked his duties to be with her – over and over again. This last detail made me want to find this ex-brother and hurt him with a variety of dull instruments._

 _How many cocks has this woman known?_  
 _It doesn't matter, I want her too._

Cullen stopped reading for a moment, still a little bitter about her bragging. He knew the whole knight and maiden thing was a tired trope. There were very few noble knights left in the realm and even fewer chaste virgins, but there was a part of him that wished he had been her first, the first to part those smooth thighs. He felt possessive of her though he had very little right to.

Cullen took the journal up to his bed above his office, disrobed and got under the covers, a candle on the nearby nightstand was his only companion.

There were a few pages about her onward press to expand the Inquisition, her comings and goings and her list of victories. It seemed clear to him now that he was trying to downplay the intense pull he felt toward her in the wake of her confessions of her sexual prowess. He skipped ahead to their first kiss on the battlements near his quarters.

 _She lured me out there with some clumsy words about wanting to talk and get to know me better and while we stood in the crisp mountain air, I was surprised to hear her confess that she thought of me often. I was dumbstruck for a moment, also unable to tear my eyes from the sight of her nipples beneath her tight green vest. She asked me if I ever thought of her and instead of answering I pressed her roughly against the stone wall behind her, pushing my hips against hers, swooping down to kiss her. She tasted like warm cinnamon, and I darted my tongue against hers to make her moan and she pushed back against me. Boldly, I tugged on her tunic, popping the top button off, sliding a hand onto one of her breasts as I kissed her at the juncture of her smooth neck and shoulders._

 _She whispered into my ear, "Commander, someone is here who needs your attention."_

 _I let her go and spun around, one of my underlings had a report for me. I wanted to push him off the ledge and let him fall to the courtyard below. I got rid of him but made a note to find a terrible chore for him to do later – something with the latrines, perhaps._

 _After I dismissed the idiot, I turned back toward Emilia only to find she had been holding her vest closed, compensating for the button I snapped, pretending to be scandalized._

 _I made a move to kiss her again but she took a quick step sideways away from me._

" _Commander, I am not that kind of girl."_

 _This statement caused me to burst out laughing. She watched me, exasperated, until I stopped._

" _I heard everything you told Leliana and Josie after I left the war room. You're a common harlot, and a bit of a whore, and I only want to get in line behind all the other men who have come before me." I gripped her around the arm, just above the elbow, yanking her back toward me._

 _She pouted up at me, blinking her eyes in innocence. "What you don't know about me, Commander, is that when I start with a new lover I start from the beginning. We are at this stage in our game where you do not know what I look like with all my armor off. For all you know, I'm a virgin, and I want you to treat me thusly."_

 _The look on my face must have been amazing because now it was her turn to break out in laughter. I marched away from her, defeated._

Cullen flicked a few pages further into the journal, remembering that the two of them had acted like nothing had happened for a few weeks. He tried to put Emilia out of his mind and bring it back to a code of professionalism because the last thing he wanted in his life was a woman who was a strumpet but wanted to be treated like a precious Orlesian princess.

But soon after, an actual Orlesian princess showed up and pushed their physical relationship to the next level. With the Inquisition spreading across the big map in the war room, Josie wanted to entertain a few of their new allies. A grand feast was to be held in the great hall and Cullen was forced to make an appearance in formal wear for the benefit of the ladies in attendance.

He had done his duty that night, speaking to the dignitaries that were so keen on meeting him, all the while keeping one eye on the Herald, decked out in a silver silk gown, her strong shoulders covered by a dark blue velvet cape. She outshone every woman in the hall, not with her looks, but with her confidence and sensuality.

He could have spent the entire night staring at her in that tight, tight dress, but then this simpering Princess Charlotte had cornered him during the dancing. Cullen found the passage in his journal –

 _Typical Orlesians, I couldn't see what kind of face this princess had on under the mask, but I didn't really care. I wanted to keep her happy for Leliana and Josie's sake, so when she asked to see our little chapel to Andraste, I obliged her._

 _I took her through Skyhold's garden and that's when the little troublemaker grabbed my ass. I yelped and spun around and took two steps back. "Now now, your grace, what would your mother and father think?"_

" _Please, I am no innocent girl, and you are too handsome, too virile to resist." Charlotte tore the mask from her face, revealing a girl of 17 or 18, with terrible skin and beady eyes. She was edging me into a dark corner, her hands pawing my body when that telltale smoky scent drifted toward me – clove and cinnamon and earth – Emilia._

" _Excuse me, may I ask what is going on here?"_

 _The girl let me go and turned around with a curtsy, pushing me backward with her square ass toward the shadows. Emilia didn't relent though, she took a few steps forward, handing her the mask she had just discarded into the bushes._

" _Oh Herald, it is nothing, I was just asking your handsome Commander Cullen to show me around Skyhold a bit. You should return to the festivities, we'll be fine, and I'm sure there are many allies you must speak to before the night is through."_

 _I had to give it to the girl, she was actually trying to outmaneuver the cleverest women in Thedas, but the Inquisitor was in no mood for the Game tonight._

" _Listen girly, you get back to your parents, your pock-marked arse is the most valuable piece of property they own right now, and they wouldn't want you to give it away to someone as – common – as Rutherford here. And besides –"_

 _This was my favorite part – "He – belongs – to me." Emilia stepped into a bit of the moonlight and I could see her eyes were stormy and passionate. The hand that held her cigarette glowed green with the mark of her power and indignation, right through her silk glove._

 _Charlotte ran away at one look at her, right back to her parents at the party._

 _Emilia turned to look at me. She flicked her cigarette away and pushed me back into the corner where Charlotte had been trying to get to me, cornering me until we were pressed together._

" _Is it true, do I belong to you?" I whispered into her ample cleavage.  
"Oh Commander. Get your cock out."_

 _Her deft fingers undid my belt and peeled my britches down my thighs. She freed my manhood from my smallclothes and got down on her knees right there in the shadows and took me into her mouth. She drew me deep into her throat, one hand keeping a hold on my ass, the other one pumping the part of my shaft she could not get into her mouth. I could hear voices nearby, two soldiers on their night watch. Their presence nearby only made me harder as Emilia's hot tongue kept circling the tip of my cock. She took little breaks from her hungry sucking, looking up at me as she stroked me. "You taste – so good – Commander."_

 _I wanted to see more of her – I yanked her dress down a bit, freeing her tits from the constrictive material. I looked down and saw that her nipples were a dusky pink-brown, and not just pale pink, as I had suspected. The simple observation pushed me over the edge -_

 _I spurted into her mouth, over and over again, she swallowed every bit of it and waited for me to stop. With a little grin, she wiped her mouth on an edge of my coat and stood up, her lips swollen from the effort, her hair a little rumpled from where I had grabbed a handful of her hair during my orgasm. She stood up, readjusted her dress, and smoothed herself down a bit._

" _I've been wanting to do that since I got to Haven."_

 _She turned without another word and returned to our guests._

Cullen closed the journal, feeling that ache in his loins again. He had been abstaining from pleasuring himself, wanting to save up all his energy for her, hoping to fuck all the memories of her other lovers out of her body. He would wait. He went to sleep that night, sweating a little from his lyrium withdrawals, and clutching a pillow, suffering from the lack of her.

* * *

The next morning he descended the ladder to his office, locked up the journal in the secret drawer in his desk and went about his day. He headed to the armory to see how the smiths were doing with all the resources Emilia had been heaping at their feet. He had been feeling the sharp edge of a new sword when Emilia and Dorian burst into the armory, giggling as always.

Cullen tried not to snarl at the sight of the handsome, dashing, confident mage.

"Well good morning, Commander! How well you look this morning." Emilia's eyes sparkled and he knew she was teasing by the tilt of her head and the tone in her voice. He looked like shite.

"Thank you Herald. Hello – Dorian. How do you fare this morning?"  
"I slept like a babe last night. The Inquisitor has seen to my every need."  
"Has she."

Cullen put down the sword he had been studying and picked up an even bigger one.

"What brings you two – _friends –_ " the word tasted like poison in his mouth, "- to the armory this morning?"

"I wanted to see about a lovely obsidian pauldron for Dorian. I think it would bring out the deep blue in his eyes. And also keep him safe of course."

Cullen let the sword drop onto the table with a clang. "The only thing that will truly keep a man safe would be a full suit of armor, from greaves to helm."

Dorian studied the scar on Cullen's lip, currently in a bit of a sneer. "What, Commander, and cover up all of _this majesty?_ I know what you're thinking. This man is a mage but he has _the body of a warrior_."

The two snickered again - they were always so at ease with each other. Cullen turned to look around them and realized the rest of the armory staff had cleared out. Whatever was in the air (tension, jealousy, anger, sheer lust) must have cued them to slip away.

Cullen flexed his sword hand open and closed again and turned with a bit of a huff. "I must see to other Inquisition business. Will you excuse me, Herald, I will see you later."

He exited before they could volley any more cutesy jokes at him. He stormed through the courtyard and back to the training yard. He was going to practice with his troops until he was numb all over.

* * *

Later that day, Cullen decided to take dinner in his room so he could be alone with his Emilia journal and a bottle of wine, maybe two, if he started to despair. Cullen figured Emilia would not be in the hall that night. Since Dorian had arrived he could not keep track of where she could be or what she could be doing.

Cullen removed his armor and dug into his dinner, gnawing on his turkey leg, tearing apart the bread, all the while wondering what those two were up to. He had no one else to speak to about Tevinter customs and Dorian's – sexual fluidity. Besides, even if he did have someone to confide in, he didn't ever want Emilia to think he had been reduced to asking others for advice. He knew her well enough to know she would not tolerate any displays of weakness.

He cleaned and dried his hands with a surgeon's thoroughness before reaching for her journal in his desk. Cullen poured himself a glass of wine and thumbed through it – the sight of her name all over the pages made his heart twist a little.

He decided he'd skip past the pages about Dorian's annoying arrival and read one of his favorite entries, to cheer himself up a bit.

It was about that long night at the Winter Palace –

 _The people of Orlais don't end a ball at midnight, they continue with their feasting, backstabbing, rumor-mongering and dancing until 5 am the next morning. My unbelievable Emilia managed to thwart a sinister plan to murder Empress Celene, but somehow that mighty feat hadn't been enough for the court. She had to also wow the fools with her lithe figure gliding over the parquet dance floor and mingle with these aristo gits, all of them not realizing the sight of all their jewelry made her long for her felonious life before the Conclave. It was 1 am, and we still had 4 more hours of this shit._

 _At some point I noticed she looked annoyed beyond belief, having to talk to 3 or 4 lords at once. I decided to rescue her, and I also decided I had waited long enough. I interrupted her conversation. "Inquisitor, I hate to pull you away from your admirers, but Leliana is requesting that –"_

 _She did not even wait for me to finish, she curtsied to them and took the hand I had extended. We turned the corner into another hallway._

" _What is it…did they find the bodies of those 16 gentlemen I had to put down in the garden? I figured Leliana would be fine with that."_

 _I didn't answer as we made our way through the crowds of ass-kissers and empty-headed nobles. I led her deeper into the opulent palace, the sound of the party softening in the distance._

" _Cullen, where are we going?" She sounded nervous and it turned me on. I opened door after door, looking for the right place. Every bed could have fit 6, but their ornate brocade coverings and overall fussiness weren't right._

 _Finally I found something to my liking – a forgotten salon in the corner of a wing. Moonlight poured in through the windows, and all the furniture was covered with grey drop cloths, hiding their Orlesian gaudiness. I looked at the door behind me – oh good, there's a latch. The loud click made the Inquisitor speak up. I crossed the room and sat down on a chaise lounge._

" _Cullen - are you alright?"_  
 _"Take your clothes off."_  
 _"Commander – Josephine instructed me that if I was out of sight for too long during the ball, it could hurt our standing. These people are quick to speculate and love to ruin a reputation."_

 _I ran my hand through my hair, having noticed recently the gesture seemed to make her squirm._

" _I said - take your clothes off. Now."  
After a long pause during which she studied my face, she slowly started peeling off the formal officer's uniform she had chosen for the night over a ball gown. Soon she was standing before me, perfection in the flesh. Andraste's tits, she even was shaved down there, leaving only a tempting strip._

" _Aren't you going to – " - she cleared her throat. Again, her nervousness made my prick twinge with delight. I hadn't even planned any of this out, the stress of the night seemed to have made this fantasy incarnate._

" _Am I going to – what – my lady?"_  
 _"Aren't you going to take your clothes off?"_  
 _"No, I don't think so, I don't really feel like it. Now kneel."_

 _Emilia turned haughty on me. "I shall not."_

 _I rose to my feet, took two steps, grabbed her by an angry handful of her black tresses and pushed her down onto her knees. Her shock rippled through the room._

 _I sat back down again, and beckoned to her._

" _Now crawl."_

 _Much to my surprise, this time she did not hesitate and headed to me on all fours, her ass in the air, her skin covered in gooseflesh. I worried for a moment that she would hate me for this, that perhaps this wasn't how she wanted to play or be possessed or taken -_

 _But when she made her way up between my knees, Emilia looked up at me with a goofy grin that broke the tension, and said, "Hello." I couldn't but smile at her as she touched the scar on my lip with a finger._

 _But we were running out of time. I grabbed her roughly around the waist, picked her up easily, and spun her around so she was now bending forward toward the couch, her palms flat on the cushion. Her breathing was ragged and excited now. I freed myself from my britches and kept my hands on her hips while the head of my member rested right on her soft, soft – hot femininity. I kept teasing her, rubbing it against her swollen bud, making her gasp, making her twitch and push back against me. She was so wet her lust dripped down her inner thighs. We were both throbbing for what was coming next._

" _Cullen, please."  
"Do you want me to stop?"_

 _She shook her head wildly and without further hesitation I pushed myself inside her. Her moan was a little too loud._

" _Silence, whore."_  
 _"I'll thank you to not call me that."_  
 _"Your expertise more than qualifies you for that word, Trevelyan."_

 _When I pulled myself all the way out and pushed my way back in again, she cried out in ecstasy. I had no choice but to clap my hand around her mouth – hard – pulling her head back roughly and turning it so she could see me out of the corner of her eye. With my other hand I pushed her back into a deeply arched position, all the while rutting in and out of her with no gentleness._

" _Do you like this? Am I as good as all your countless lovers, or better?"_

 _I pressed my hand harder against her mouth, I didn't want to know her answer. She looked over her shoulder at me and her eyes said, "keep going." I jabbed into her, our bodies meeting together in a tight and steady rhythm._

" _Does your prissy little mage fuck you this way – does he even care for your pussy?"_

 _Her back stiffened in anger, as though she were saying, "Don't you say a word about my friend." I kept one hand on her mouth, but raised the other one high. I slapped her ass so hard my hand immediately left a five fingered mark. She yelped into my palm, a tiny tear springing to one eye. I switched my hands, still keeping one clamped over her mouth, and slapped her left cheek just as hard. I watched the little tear roll down her soft cheek as I purred into her ear -"Are you going to marry one of these fools here tonight? Tiny cocked little prigs. You'll spend the rest of your life thinking about THIS – "_

 _I didn't want to climax yet so I stopped my relentless pumping. I yanked her up to standing and turned her around to face me._

 _With my hand finally off her mouth, Emilia spat at me, "You're an animal!" She raised a hand to slap me but I stopped it in time – grabbing her arm and shoving her back onto the couch once again._

 _I didn't have to pull her legs apart or demand they be opened to me – she knew what she wanted, and I dove my face into her pussy. I flicked her center with my tongue back and forth, and then up and down, and then circled around it in one direction, and then the other, trying to be unpredictable, trying to make her scream, all the while working my cock in my fist, keeping it stiff. I pressed my face deep into her and shook my head from side to side. I slid a finger in her, then a second, and a third, never stopping my tongue. She tasted good, so sweet like some exotic fruit from a faraway land, and the perfect, heady smell of her made me roll my eyes back in my head._

 _She came hard, into my mouth, screaming my name. I stood up and inserted myself all the way into her again, her legs resting on my shoulders, pushing into her so deep I felt the entrance to her womb. She pulled at my hair._

" _How – dare you – Commander."_  
 _"Tell me you want it."_  
 _I rolled my hips into her, making her groan and dig her fingernails into my shoulders._  
 _"Tell me or I won't continue."_  
 _She whimpered. I held still. She wiggled under me, wanting more._  
 _"Oh, Cullen –" but I still did not hear what I wanted to hear. She tried to grind up toward me but I held her still now._  
 _"Tell me you've been thinking about this. Tell me you want my cock."_

 _In a daze I watched her repeat my words back to me, with a few more of her own. She told me she wanted to be filled, she told me she wanted to be hammered, my tongue was incredible, my cock even better. Maker's breath, I wanted to tell her I loved her, but instead I thrust into her over and over until the feeling of her pussy clenching around me made me throw my head back in wonder._

 _After she stopped trembling, I got off of her and flopped down on the couch next to her, both of us catching our breath. When I finally spoke up, I was business. I didn't want her to get into any trouble with our advisors over her absence._

" _I think it would be best if we headed back to the party separately, don't you." I wiped my face with my silk handkerchief and then dropped it on her lap. "Clean yourself up and I'll see you with the others."_

 _I tucked myself back into my pants, somewhat painfully, stood up and headed for the door. Emilia deftly got to her feet and blocked me before I could leave._

" _I hate you."  
I smirked at her. "It didn't feel like you hated me."_

 _Her face was pure frustration. She grabbed me by my lapels and for the first time that night, we kissed. She nipped at my mouth hungrily. Emilia tasted faintly of the pastries they had been passing out earlier and it was threatening to make me hard again. Her hands ran over my military jacket, trying to undo any button she could finger. I unwrapped her arms from my neck, giving her one last hungry look, and headed back out toward the festivities._

 _10 minutes had passed when Emilia re-entered the party. I was glad to see she didn't look like she had been royally fucked only moments ago, but my relief melted away when I saw Dorian appear at her side._

 _I was some distance away from them, but I could tell she was recounting to him where she had just been and exactly what I had just done to her, her face still flushed. Dorian raised one of those perfect eyebrows of his and said something sassy to her, which I could tell she didn't appreciate._

 _She looked flustered, confused. Had I crossed a line, was I going to get flogged in the courtyard for my boorish behavior? Dorian stopped being Dorian for a second and he attempted to comfort her with a few kind words. And then the two of them looked up at me._

 _Her eyes were full of tumult.  
His eyes roved all over my body – and then I saw him look right down at the cock in my pants._

 _I turned on my heels, looking for some air in the garden._

 _I didn't see them again until the end of the night when we were getting into our carriages to head back to Skyhold._

 _I opened the door to one of our carriages – Josie, Leliana, Sera and Varric were already piled in, under the furs that would keep them warm on the long journey._

" _Come on, there's no room. Get into the Inquisitor's carriage," Sera whined, pulling the door shut on me. I appealed to Leliana, who was usually on my side. "No, she's right, you can't get in here, there's no room."_

 _Now I tried with Josie. "Don't you want to hear all the gossip the Herald has heard all night long?" Josie pulled her blankets up. "I'm exhausted. If it's good gossip, it can keep until tomorrow."_

 _I was going to appeal to Varric next but I didn't even have a chance to say anything, Leliana was beginning to put it together. "Commander, why are you so adamant about not getting into the other carriage? Did something happen with the Inquisitor tonight?"_

 _Varric gave me a look like he knew drama was afoot so I just skulked off to the other carriage. I yanked open the door without announcing myself._

 _Emilia was tucked into the crook of Dorian's arm, her left arm completely resting on his thigh. He was kissing her forehead gently, being soothing, when I interrupted._

" _Get out of here," she snapped at me.  
"I'm sorry, Inquisitor, there's no room in the other carriage."  
"Then you should WALK home."_

 _Dorian chucked her under the chin with a finger. "Don't be so mean, my little love. Let the big strapping Templar into our carriage. We don't need to talk to him, will we?"_

 _I dropped myself into the seat across from them and didn't say anything. There were plenty of blankets to go around but they wouldn't let me have any. I kept my arms crossed against the cold, determined not to complain, staring them down as the carriage finally departed from the palace._

 _They looked back at me, still holding hands and sitting thigh to thigh. I uncrossed my legs and let them be a little wide. Let them get a glimpse of it. Let Dorian take a look, I don't care._

 _And he did look. He stared. We stared at each other. I took a look at his bulge, just to give him a taste of what he was giving me. He blushed and pulled Emilia closer._

 _It was a long journey back to Skyhold. Dorian fell asleep after an hour or two, his head on Emilia's shoulder. Only then did she speak to me, softly, so as not to wake him._

" _I will make you pay for that."_

 _I gave her a tough smirk. Something about her untouchable beauty and her dignity made me act like a crass foot soldier. I cupped my groin and shot back at her - "I'd like to see you try."_

Cullen slammed the journal shut. He went to sleep that night staring at the crack in the roof above his bedchamber. He thought about the back and forth of their passion.

He had been the dominant one when they first kissed – power shifted back to her the night she saved him from the Orlesian girl – and then he had made his aggressive move at the palace. By simple calculation, it was supposed to be – her turn. But she should be allowed to take it?

After the intrigue at the Winter Palace, Emilia was very busy, whisking away to this part of Thedas and then another, Dorian with her the entire time. When she returned to Skyhold, the two fell back into their old pattern of acting like nothing had happened, but Emilia was crueler this time. She would not look at him while addressing him and never said a single word to him if no one else was around, but they could both feel that magnetic pull toward each other. But Emilia would not relent and give him not a minute alone together.

* * *

One morning not too long after the night at the Winter Palace, Cullen had received a puzzling piece of correspondence which he believed might have been forged, a sloppy attempt to divert the Inquisition's attention. He wanted Leliana to take a second look, so he headed for her station above the library.

As he took the stairs, his heart sank a bit when he realized he would have to pass Dorian's favorite spot. Perhaps the man was taking his time with the Inquisitor somewhere else, snickering together on her satin sheets. At least he hoped they were satin. He was mulling over this tantalizing imaginary detail when a voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Commander! What brings you here? Looking for something good to read?"

The sound of Dorian's teasing voice made him wince. There he was, elegant and handsome as always, a book in hand, leaning against a big windowsill – his breakfast sat half consumed on a tray nearby.

Cullen stopped in his tracks. "Ser Pavus. I need to speak to Leliana. I will leave you to your breakfast."  
"Oh, don't be so curt. Why not sit for a while, have a little tea. I'll – butter a biscuit for you."

Cullen looked up at the man and Dorian's eyes were locked onto him, eyes that were maybe dark blue, maybe even dark purple, with little grey flecks throughout them. _By the Maker_ , Cullen thought. _Why can't I say no?_

"If you insist. I will disclose that – the Herald – and I haven't been on speaking terms as of late. Perhaps if you told her that we – had this nice little moment together, she would be a little less – harsh with me."

Dorian slathered creamy butter on a small biscuit and then topped it with some strawberry jam. He handed the pastry to him, along with a cup of tea.

Cullen accepted both items, making short work of the food with two bites and guzzling down the tea with a begrudging smile - which disappeared as soon as Dorian spoke again.

"Well, when I tumbled her in my bed last night, she called out _your_ name so I don't think she's as angry as you think she is."

Cullen cast the teacup aside, letting it shatter. He rose to his feet, pushing Dorian back against the bookcase. He was a good five inches taller than him, but Dorian wasn't cowed. In fact, he looked pleased.

"What did you just say, _mage_."

"Oh, don't be so provincial, Commander." He brushed the biscuit crumbs from Cullen's breastplate. "We are just friends that happen to have glorious chemistry together. I don't usually prefer the - ah, touch of a woman, but I have certainly dallied with women in the past. Their insatiability is often rather – adorable, don't you think?"

Cullen was so angry he felt light-headed.

"Have you heard her hum, Commander? I can make her hum – with just, this, finger."

Dorian reached up and traced Cullen's upper lip with that finger, sweeping against the slash of his scar. The mage gave him bedroom eyes while his other hand felt the rich fur collar of his cloak.

"Do you want to make her jealous?"

The Commander wondered if he was under some sort of bewitchment. Dorian smelled so good, like musk and parchment and incense. He stepped forward one inch, towering over the nobleman.

"I do – I do want to make her jealous."

Dorian had to stand on his toes to kiss Cullen – brushing his lips over his, like a whisper. Cullen didn't reciprocate at first, he was too shocked. He looked at Dorian's right shoulder where Emilia's gift of the black obsidian pauldron adorned his shoulder and bicep, defined and strong. A craftsman had rendered Emilia's handwriting on the piece of armor – his name was a beautiful flourish etched into the obsidian.

Cullen rubbed his thumb across _her_ writing – and then decided to kiss Dorian back.

His head spun. He was so obsessed with Emilia that he was willing to do anything – to do _THIS –_ to get her back. He would cross a thousand boundaries to be with her.

Cullen felt crazy, and strangely free.

Dorian responded like a wildfire, his eager fingers wove through the Commander's golden mane. Cullen's gloved hands shoved him flush against the bookcase, causing a few tomes on the top shelf to come loose and fall to the ground. He instinctively pushed his thigh against Dorian's manhood, making the mage groan. Their tongues twisted and explored, strawberry and mint and new lust –

"DORIAN!"

Emilia's voice broke their embrace. Cullen took two wobbly steps backward, falling onto a velvet couch Dorian had installed in his nook. Dorian looked gob smacked beyond belief.

"E-Emilia!"  
"I can't believe you!"  
Cullen was a little relieved her rage was directed totally at her mage lover and not at _him_ yet.

"Emilia, for weeks – no, MONTHS - all you do is talk of his animal charms, that honeyed voice, his golden eyes, and the fucking width of his cock. Please, Emilia, can you fault me?"

Cullen's heart soared, she had been talking about him? He turned this thought over in his head while Dorian looked like a child caught touching himself during the Chant service. Emilia was still shocked, holding the suspicious letter Cullen had dropped.

Cullen begin laughing to himself, a bit at a time, until he was practically guffawing.

"Commander! What is so FUCKING amusing?"  
"Your faces! Neither of you were expecting this!"

Cullen stood up, wiping his mouth lightly – sensually – with the back of his hand. Dorian stared at him, unfulfilled. He approached Emilia, gesturing toward the correspondence in her hands.

"You will both excuse me. I was on my way to speak with our spymaster when – your Vint lover made a pass at me."

She held on to her end of the letter and with a tiny voice, finally addressed him: "I saw you – you were kissing him back."

Cullen shot a little look at Dorian. "Oh, Inquisitor. Don't be so provincial." Dorian beamed at him, now very smitten.

With a sharper yank he got the letter back from her, and headed for the stairs, toward Leliana's squawking ravens.

Cullen smiled to himself as he left the two lovers to bicker together. He would write down every detail of this encounter and add it to his Emilia journal.

He wasn't entirely sure, but Cullen thought he had won this round.

* * *

The Commander's suspicions about the note ended up being true. The Inquisitor was being sent to the Emerald Graves to find out who was behind red lyrium shipments in the area.

At the war table, Cullen was a little day-dreamy, not his attentive self. It had been a week since he pressed Dorian against that bookcase. He had come to recognize that moment as a pivotal move in the emotional chess game he was playing with his Inquisitor.

Cullen had made his way carefully throughout Skyhold during that week. He had set off a bomb in Emilia's heart and he wanted to avoid the blast area. He worked the troops harder, ate meals in his room, and would only be in her presence with Josephine and Leliana.

He realized someone was speaking to him. "I'm sorry Inquisitor, would you repeat the question? I was just thinking deeply about someone –"

He smiled to himself and stopped. He let Emilia fill in the blank for herself, and she had to grip the edge of the war table to steady her temper.

"I was just asking, _Commander,_ who you think I should take with me to the Emerald Graves. You are a little more familiar with the area than the rest of us."

He shook off his obsessive reverie, running his fingers through his hair - always enjoying her response to his bicep and that "animal charm" of his.

"It is a beautiful place, all forest and flower. You should make contact with the Dalish along the river here and see if you can persuade them to our side. I would be a little worried about the wolves, and a few great bears – and of course, the rifts which are - here, here, here, here, and here. And possibly one here."

His jabs at different parts of the map weren't making her feel better about this mission. Josie and Leliana shot a look at each other, this wasn't his usual style.

Emilia asked again, "So who should I take with me?"

Cullen licked his lips, it was a cold winter morning and his were a little chapped. Emilia stared at him harder. "Well, as I said, it's a lovely part of the country. Perhaps your lover Dorian could at least accompany you. During the day, you will marvel at the beauty of the land, and at night you can keep each other warm."

Josie and Leliana abruptly departed the war room at this sudden burst of intimate information. The two looked downright excited about it though.

"How dare you speak to me in front of my advisors in such a manner."  
"I apologize, Lady Trevelyan," using the title she so loathed. "Regardless, my advice for you would to take Dorian with you, along with Blackwall and Cassandra. You will need a mage, but plenty of muscle as well."

He straightened a stack of letters at the edge of the table. "Will that be all, Herald?"

Cullen finally cast his amber eyes upon her. Emilia looked tired, dark circles under her eyes. "I suppose so. I've just been a little bit off-balance lately."

Cullen pushed a pin a little deeper into the map, where they hoped to find Samson soon. "What could have caused that, do you think? Perhaps you are coming down with something."

She snapped at him. "This is your fault! You jealous fool."  
"Your boyfriend kissed me and I responded, which was only natural. He is quite a charming man. He could probably make Mother Giselle wet."  
"You make me sick."

Cullen said nothing, just kept tidying up around the council room.

A sharp, interesting thought popped into Cullen's head. "You know, on second thought, perhaps you should bring Vivienne with you instead of Dorian. She's been a little melancholy lately. Maybe what she needs is to blast the eyes out of a few red Templars with you. Hmm? What do you think?" Emilia practically hissed at him before storming out of the council room.

That morning, Emilia told Dorian, Cassandra and Blackwall they were coming with her on this next expedition. Cullen had gone straight from his confrontation with Emilia to say goodbye to Dorian. What happened in the nook was journal worthy, and after dinner that night, he committed the memories to ink.

 _Before Emilia could whisk Dorian out of my reach, I knew I would have at least 30 minutes with him before he had to depart. This game that started between Emilia and I now included another player I had to contend with._

 _I'll be honest. The thought of Dorian turns me on. The ex-templar and the mage. The Chantry boy and a noble from Tevinter. I have to channel my interminable lust for Emilia into someone else or it will kill me. She is such an intoxicating woman that I find myself wanting to do increasingly more incredible things to pull her back to me – or at least disrupt her affair with Pavus._

 _I headed toward Dorian's reading nook, knowing he'd be packing up a book or two to take with him to the Emerald Graves. I knew I smelled good, sporting a plain wool tunic and my tightest leather britches, hair tamed into place, unshaven because I bet he likes that._

 _I found my 'Vint peering into a tome, twisting an end of his moustache into place, when I appeared in the aisle next to him._

" _Cullen."  
"Dorian."_

 _He stood up, bashful as a maid. "What are you doing here? You're going to get us into – a terrible amount of trouble."_

" _She's only taking you with her because she thinks I am going to – fuck you senseless – if she leaves you here."_

 _Dorian swallowed thinking about this image._

 _Cullen stepped closer. "I'm sure she told you everything I did to her at the Winter Palace. Did it turn you on to hear how rough I can be?_

 _Dorian tried to quip his way out of this. "She said you were worse than a demon. I told her I didn't believe her – not our serious, steadfast Commander, you must be joking."_

 _I cornered him near the window, where if you looked up at the right angle, you'd be able to see both of us from the courtyard._

" _Were you going to leave without saying goodbye to me first?"_

 _Dorian's eyes raked all over me but I could tell he was trying to get out of this situation._

" _Cullen. You're only doing this to get to her. You don't really want me. And I'm sorry, but that hurts my rather handsome feelings."_

"How do you know I don't want you? You've piqued my curiosity."

 _We locked lips again. It was starting to feel less foreign to me. He was both aggressive and fragile at the same time. His lips were as soft as Emilia's. I wanted to feel them around my cock._

" _Give me a goodbye gift, Dorian." I moved his hand to my cock._

 _Dorian flushed, but kept his hand there. "I care for Emilia, don't you?"_

" _Of course I do, but this isn't about Emilia. This is about your mouth – sucking me dry."_

 _Dorian didn't need more encouragement. He shoved me roughly onto the velvet couch, freed my manhood from my pants and lowered his lips onto my cock with a little groan. He kept sucking while he pulled my smalls down farther so he could access the rest of me. He moved from my cock to my sensitive balls, which he gently took into his mouth, one by one. I put my hand on the back of his neck, enjoying his submission, his expert attention._

 _Dorian was real magic, he was fucking good. I wanted him to take his time, but we both could hear their party getting ready in the courtyard down below. We even heard Emilia's sweet little voice asking the others if they knew where he was._

" _Dorian, give me something to remember. Blow my mind."_

 _He thought about it for a second. "Flip over, Commander."_

 _I turned over, obeying orders. Without thinking about it, he opened me up and began licking my hole with the same vigor he had applied to my dick. I began working my cock, the sensation was too much. I heard Dorian unfasten his pants as well so he could do the same._

 _I prayed for Emilia to walk in. I prayed for her to find me in this position while Dorian took me to the edge of delight. I wanted her to hear the sound of him moaning into my ass, where his wild Tevinter tongue was showing me a new kind of paradise._

" _Is this what they do back home in Tevinter for fun?_

 _For once, Dorian didn't have time for a witty response, his tongue was too busy jabbing and swirling and pleasuring me. All of this made me shoot right onto the soft velvet couch. Dorian came shortly after, falling forward onto my back, panting from the effort._

" _You are a quick study, Commander."_

 _I sat back onto the couch, pulling my pants up with me. "Sorry about the divan. I'll come back and clean it up."_

 _Dorian smiled at me, pulling himself off the floor, straddling me on the couch, a thigh on each side of mine. He leaned down and kissed me on the neck, oh so gently. I breathed in his scent. How could he feel as good as a woman?_

" _No, leave the stain there. I want to remember you."_

 _We heard Emilia's voice calling for him again in the courtyard. "We better go." Dorian threw two books into a satchel, but I blocked his path for a second._

" _Dorian – I find myself unwilling to lie to you. Yes, this is a bit of a game between Emilia and I and you are caught between us. But, can't you just enjoy it? I am enjoying it."_

 _I reached down and caressed his cheek, a little rosy from what we had just been doing. The gesture made Dorian melt. "Oh, alright. I hate you both."_

 _We went down into the courtyard together, not hiding that we had emerged from the same location, and mingled amongst our friends and other Skyhold citizens. Emilia looked like she wanted to stab me in all my vitals, so I tried to alleviate the situation by helping her into her saddle – which of course made Dorian fume a little._

 _They headed for the drawbridge, Emilia, joined by Dorian at her side, following Blackwall and Cassandra in the lead. I made a brash decision and called out to them as they left:_

" _Don't go off and get yourself killed, alright?"_

 _Dorian and Emilia answered at the same time: "I won't!" - and then GLARED at each other._

 _We watched them until they made it to the far side of the bridge._

 _Iron Bull finally spoke up. "What in the blasted ever-loving VOID is happening around here?"_

 _Varric burst out laughing. "Curly's becoming quite the harem master."_

 _Sera stomped off back to the Herald's Rest. "I can't believe old stick up the arse Rutherford is getting doubles while others go wanting."_

Cullen blotted the ink, smiling to himself. He had so many courses he could take with these two, _he_ was the tactician among them. They weren't thinking of this dance in the same way, they were letting their passions blur their vision. Cullen was the chess master, and he was determined to be no fewer than three moves ahead of them.

* * *

In the Emerald Graves, a part of Cullen's plan was unfurling in his favor. That night in their tent, Emilia planted her lips on Dorian's and it – just didn't feel the same. She kissed him passionately, mussing his perfect hair into messy peaks, and Dorian responded in kind – but something was off.

She pulled back from him, reaching for a nearby wine goblet. They laid under blankets, set on top of a few luxurious furs.

"Emilia, what's wrong."  
"You're not thinking of me, and I can tell."

Dorian reached for his goblet now but she moved it just out of his reach. He sat up, rubbing his temples in frustration.

"We've had a long ride here, I'm sorry if I'm not _standing at attention_ at the moment. Besides when you are in one of your moods it is an anti-aphrodisiac. Please give me the wine, woman."

She let him have his goblet. He downed it in one go. Emilia pouted.

"Were you with Cullen again?"  
Dorian couldn't look at her now. She asked again, "Well, were you?"

Dorian finally looked at her, but said nothing. She knew the answer in his silence.

"I can't believe you! You take it out for anyone, don't you!"  
"Look who's talking!"

She tried to fling her goblet at his head but he ducked – and then pinned her down on the furs, pressing her wrists down until they tingled a little. This was the part Cullen didn't plan for.

"Calm down, Emilia. Don't you want to know what happened? Ask me. What did your beloved ex-templar do with your mage?"

He pressed his hips into hers, still holding her wrists above her head. "Do you want _daddy_ to tell you a little story? I won't leave anything out."

Emilia's face showed her change of heart, suddenly stricken with a desire to hear what Cullen had done, or allowed to be done to him. This primal longing, combined with Dorian's skillful hands, were making her melt down below.

Dorian switched to using one hand to hold down her wrists – the other hand trailed down her body, lightly skipping over her taut nipples, down her side to her hip and back up again.

"Tell me, Dorian. Tell me while you fuck me."

Now that Emilia had softened back into the lusty, _slutty_ rogue princess that he preferred, Dorian could get hard again. He kept her pinned down, taking a nipple into his mouth with an expert motion, licking the tip only, biting, and then drawing it deep into his mouth. He did the same with the other, going back and forth until she thrashed her head in a frenzy, begging him to stop.

He kissed her neck and shoulders, and then started telling her the story.

"Well, the Commander came to my spot in the library and cornered me. Have you noticed how good he smells?" He bit her ear lightly. "All the colognes in the world and somehow that man makes plain, clean soap smell so good."

She squirmed, trying to get out from under his grip. "Yeah, I know, come on, get to the good stuff. Kiss me." He nipped her lip, rubbing his erection against her wet folds.

"He told me I was only coming with you because you were afraid he'd 'fuck me senseless' while you were away."

Emilia got her wrists out from his grip and flipped Dorian onto his back, now straddling him.

"Hmm, back where I like to be – on top."  
He pressed his thumb onto her clit, rubbing it in a circle. "Are you going to let me continue?"

She shifted just a little, sliding his long, long cock into her wet depths. "Please do." Dorian's eyes rolled back in his head and she ground her hips into him in a figure 8 motion, enjoying watching the waves of pleasure roll over him.

"We kissed, or should I say he kissed me – and I protested. I said – what" – he thrust up into her hard. "About." Another thrust. "Emilia." He dug his fingers into her hips, thrusting up a few more times for emphasis.

Emilia rolled off of him, letting him be on top now, plowing into her deeply, one leg over his shoulder. "And then my darling, I sucked his thick, heavy, magnificent cock. I licked his fucking Templar balls."

Emilia's face registers shock, even as he keeps fucking her. "Cullen? Let you, suck his – "

Dorian pulls her other leg over his other shoulder, bending her into a tight little angle. His cock hits that magic spot inside of over and over again, and her legs began shaking, her body about to stiffen under his ministrations – he was getting into his own story now, sweat rolling down his brow as he quickened his pace.

"And then, Inquisitor - I pushed _your beloved Commander_ down onto his knees, and ate his delicious, golden ass. I licked him from ball to hole, over again, until we both came."

Emilia gasps, quivering all over, squeezing her ankles behind his neck, an orgasm surging through her, one of the strongest ones she had ever had.

Dorian angles her hips up higher, still hungry for something else. Dorian used the wetness from her womanhood to cover one finger down to the knuckle, then another, and a third. Then he worked one wet finger into her ass, rubbing her clit with the other, trying to make her come again. A second and third finger joined the first and Emilia moaned in pleasure. Dorian removed his hand and angled his cock into her tightest hole, pushing slowly. They had done this before, so she was ready. With dark passion, she whispered at him: "Fuck me – and think of him."

It was then that Dorian stopped being gentle, he pounded her ass, thinking of the scar on Cullen's lip – which was what Emilia was thinking about too. He kept flicking her clit, sometimes slapping it roughly, something that made Emilia feel sky high. But the two didn't see each other anymore, they willed the Commander's leonine figure into their midst, putting him between them.

The two exploded together, shouting into the forest night.

They did not make love for the rest of the expedition. The Commander was too present in their minds.

2 weeks later, on the journey home, Emilia made up her mind about Dorian and Cullen, and what she could do to tell her two lovers that _she_ was in charge of this situation.

She began plotting. After all, she was a pretty good chess player too.

* * *

Back in Skyhold, Cullen had stayed busy working with a fresh batch of Inquisition soldiers. He trained these poor fools until they did not even have the energy to get drunk at the Herald's Rest at the end of the day. After even just a fortnight of this intense labor, Cullen's body had grown even more defined. He was full of pent up energy and swinging a sword all day long was doing nothing to alleviate it.

He was shirtless in the training yard, sparring with one of his more experienced soldiers, when Emilia and her expedition finally returned home. They had cleared a tenacious pack of red Templars out of a sumptuous villa, and looted its contents thoroughly. Emilia was full of information, she wanted to call the war council right away. Cullen wiped his brow and approached her and Dorian, lingering behind her, at the fence around the sparring area.

"Inquisitor, I will be at your disposal in 20 minutes."  
"Thank you Cullen." She brushed a hand across his sweaty forearm as she stared openly at his frame.

There was something different in her eyes when she spoke to him, not to mention the fact she called him "Cullen" in front of everyone. She seemed – softer – somehow, but underneath her manner something cold, and hard was waiting. He wasn't scared though, he returned her gaze, studied her beautiful face. He was always glad to just look at her.

"Well Commander, get going!"

Her tone made Cullen turn and head straight for his office. He barely had the time to give Dorian even the littlest glance.

Cullen appeared in the council room, freshly scrubbed and feeling his blood up, now that the Inquisitor was standing 5 feet away from him.

They discussed what she had learned in the Emerald Graves and plotted an upcoming trip to Emprise de Lion. Cullen felt something twinge inside of him. Why must she go so far from him, why couldn't he come up with a good enough reason to go with her –

He was pondering these questions when once again, he realized he had zoned out during the meeting and that Emilia was trying to talk to him.

Leliana threw a tiny tack at him, trying to wake him up. "I swear, Rutherford, you're losing your edge. What would your men think if they knew you stood around in here like, like – "

Josie wrinkled her nose, "Like a big dumb Mabari."

Cullen squinted at the two other advisors before re-focusing on the Inquisitor again. "I'm sorry, Lady Trevelyan, would you please repeat the question?"

"I asked you if you started the work on the south tower. Did you contact the men at the quarry? With all these new recruits, we are about to run out of room. The south tower could house your troops."

Cullen rubbed the back of his neck, genuinely disappointed he had forgotten something she asked of him. "I am so sorry, Inquisitor. The matter slipped my mind. I shall try to expedite the process as soon as possible."

Emilia was glad that he had forgotten this little piece of business they discussed before she left. It wasn't like him at all – it was sheer luck. She thanked the Maker, _her_ plan was just beginning. She really had to sell this to him though, so she continued to chastise him.

"Commander, you've been awfully distracted lately, you're all sword-y bash-y shield-y all the time but there are other responsibilities you must not forget."

Josie couldn't help herself. "He's also been pretty flirt-y flirt-y too."

Emilia: "That's _right_ , Josephine, I _had_ forgotten about all of the Commander's sudden new interests."

Cullen felt like he had made a poor move on the chessboard, he was starting to sense she had the upper hand again.

Emilia studied the war map, pondering something. Cullen wondered if that was the end of her spiel, and began to speak up, "I assure you Inquisitor, I shall deal with the matter of the south tower at once. I'll – _put aside my hobbies –_ for the time being."

Emilia's stomach rumbled. "Well, I should hope so, but your recent sloppiness worries me a bit. Will you join me for dinner in my quarters? I wish to discuss the matter further with you. And I'm famished."

He gave her a slight bow before she swept out of the room. The two other advisors gave him shark grins.

"What are you lot smiling about?"

Josie answered, in her lilting accent. "My little sister has a saying. You. Are busted - crusted."

* * *

Cullen waited half an hour and then knocked on the door to her quarters. There were more than a few people milling around in the great hall and they knew where he was going, especially without his armor on. He heard her call from inside. "Come in, lock the door, hurry up, dinner is getting cold."

He did as she asked and locked the door behind him, ascending the stairs to her room. Her quarters were incredibly sumptuous. Everything was velvet, silk, embroidered with gold. A huge rug from Nevarra covered the cold stone floor.

But Cullen wasn't looking at any of these things. The Inquisitor was sitting at a small table, a feast for two spread before her - stark naked, looking at her nails with studied indifference.

"Please sit. Would you have some wine?"

"Emilia. You look – well, cold."

She smiled at him, that little feline smile of hers. He went to close the balcony doors and then sat down across from her. She poured him a glass of red from the Arbor Wilds, and they clinked their glasses together, Cullen letting his eyes linger on specific parts of her body.

"So, Commander. Why have you been so distracted lately? What has been going on?"  
"You know why I've been distracted. All I think about is you."  
"What about my lover Dorian? Have you been thinking about _him?"  
_ "Why wouldn't I. I understand why you burn for him. Dori is pure magic. Mouth. Hands. Lips. All of him."

Emilia dropped the business act and switched to jealous-rage mode.

"You're ruthless, you can't just go around – doing whatever you want with whomever – "  
"And why not," he spat at her angrily. "It's exactly what you do." He drank more of the dark red wine in his glass, glaring at her with spite. After he drained the goblet, he put it down on the table and approached her.

Cullen grabbed her hair near the nape of her neck and pulled her to her feet, domineering and aggressive, trying to make her remember that night in the Winter Palace.

"Can't you understand I toyed with Dorian to be one with you? I wanted to make you jealous, I wanted you to feel possessive. I pine for you, Emilia _._ "

He suddenly felt a little wobbly on his feet. He looked down at Emilia, he was expecting to see her swooning at his admission, but instead she was smirking at him, daggers in his eyes.

His vision swam before him, the world was growing watery and faint. "I told you I would get even with you, Rutherford." Cullen panicked, the poison or whatever she had put in his wine was dragging him into the Fade.

He dropped onto the ground at her feet.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Dorian received a note from a messenger – his favorite one, he noted, the one with the frame he wanted to wrestle with, holding him down by the shoulders and –

"Ser, do you wish for me to send a response?"

Dorian realized he had been staring at the young man instead of reading the note. He gave him a wink before breaking the seal on the note. Emilia's flowing, swirling handwriting greeted his eyes.

" _My dearest Dorian -_

I am very aware that our passion for each other as of late has dwindled a bit, but I wanted to tell you that it matters not to me. You are my closest companion in this twisted little world, and since the day I met you you have been at my side - in bed, on the battlefield - and I have come to depend on you. In short, if our more carnal feelings subside over time and maybe even disappear entirely, I still want you to know that I love you, deeply, wholly. I would give you all the blood in my body if you were hurt, I would search every inch of Thedas for the cure to save you. Do you even know how much your damned opinion means to me? I cannot try on the simplest frock without wondering what you would think of it.

 _Most importantly, you have made me laugh in times most desperate. I will never forget that before you were my lover, you were my friend."_

Dorian inhaled sharply, Emilia had never been this – emotionally bare – with him before.

" _All that being said, I'm not quite through with you yet. And I have a little gift for you in my room that I wish to share with you. I think you are going to love it."_

There was a bit of a wine drop next to her beautiful signature that made him smile.

Dorian looked up at the expectant messenger, who had been looking around his room with open curiosity. He crossed to the desk and scribbled something quickly on a strip of paper, which he tied up with a spare red ribbon.

"Run now, go give her the note." Dorian smiled at the sight of his tight youthful arse in his leathers as the messenger slipped off quickly.

Back in Emilia's quarters, she opened the door as soon as the boy had tapped on it. She was wearing a long black silk robe and the messenger pointedly looked away as soon as he noticed she didn't have much else on.

Emilia unrolled the note. _"You minx – what do you have up your sleeve?"_ Emilia broke out laughing as she closed the door in the face of the little Inquisition minion.

* * *

Cullen's next journal entry, was a little long, and committed to paper in a shaky, excited hand.

 _When I awoke, I couldn't move, my limbs were stiff, I could barely feel them. My vision stayed foggy, but I felt a soft pillow under my neck. Am I in my chambers? Where was the crack in the roof?_

 _Then I smelled something so exact that it brought everything rushing back to me. The scent of Emilia's clove cigarette reminded me I had been in her room before I blacked out._

 _I looked to my left, where Emilia was sitting on the bed next to me, smoking and tapping it onto a nearby gold ashtray, still gloriously naked, in the skin she should always be in._

" _Oh good, you're finally awake. The alchemist in Val Royeaux wasn't sure how long the draught would last. I was afraid I was going to have to call someone for help."_

 _She ground out the cigarette and then scrambled toward me on the gigantic bed._

" _Are you alright, my love?"_  
 _"Emilia, what did you give me? I cannot feel my arms or legs."_  
 _"That's because you're all tied up, Cullen. Can't you see?"_

 _I yanked on my wrists and found them tied to the bed post with one knot, the ties cutting off my circulation just a little. I looked down and found she had bound my legs too, but spread them, tying my ankles to opposite sides of the foot board. She had tied me up so tight that my ass wasn't quite touching the mattress, I barely had any congress to move. I was stretched and helpless._

 _And my cock was rock hard, pointing heavenward, without me willing it to be so._

" _Lady Trevelyan, please – "  
"Oof, you know I hate it when you call me that. And I know you only call me that when you're upset or trying to talk me out of something. But guess what, Commander –"_

 _She ran a cool hand up my leg, up my inner thigh, right past what I wanted her to touch - over my rippled abs, up to my right nipple and pinched it – HARD, making me gasp. "I can't be talked out of this. I owe you for that night in the Winter Palace. You were rough with me, and more than a little disrespectful. And I will pay you back in full."_

 _A shiver ran down my spine. I was always the aggressor in all my affairs. And along comes this – almost supernatural woman – who has finally made me the submissive._

 _There was a knock at the door and Emilia's face changed to delight. I had seen her face transform like that so many times before, I knew exactly who was at the door._

" _Shush, my lion. You lie here quietly. You're the surprise tonight."_

 _I heard the sound of her little bare feet slapping against the cold stone as she ran down the steps to greet him at the doorway. "Dorian!"  
"You silly bitch, what are you up to, what did you get me?"_

 _I heard her planting kisses on his face and some other panting and moaning until he made her stop. "Let me cover your eyes."_

 _I heard Dorian go "oof" as Emilia must have leapt into his arms. There was more giggling – that always made me deeply jealous._

" _You are heavier than you look, Trevelyan. Time to lay off those cream puffs you love so much."  
"Shut your face. OK I'll tell you how to walk."_

" _Oh, I assume we are heading toward your bed at this point."  
"Could you PLEASE sound a little less disappointed. Oh, be careful Dorian, you're at the three steps now."_

 _They were coming closer to the bed. I couldn't help but let that little comment gnaw at me, of course the man would know his way around her bedroom with his eyes closed._

 _Finally, they were at the foot of the bed. Emilia had been riding on his back, her arms around his neck and legs around his waist, his eyes covered by her hands._

 _All three of us were suddenly very, very quiet. I wondered if he could hear me breathing, know who I was._

 _Emilia let her hands slip from his eyes. Dorian dropped her off his back, not thinking of her anymore. His eyes ate me up from head to toe. He swore in his native tongue – and it sounded dirty._

" _Emilia. You have. Outdone yourself. And it is not even my name day."  
"Oh, who could wait until Harvestmere! What do you think? He's fucking beautiful, isn't he? Say hello, Commander."_

 _I had to lick my lips before I could speak. "Hello!" I said a little sheepishly._

 _Dorian's eyes were dark, dark with passion. With a quick and easy swoop of his arm, he flicked Emilia onto the bed where she landed against my legs. He stripped himself of his robe and britches, glaring at the two of us. His hand went straight to his staff, now red and hard, stroking it in preparation._

 _Emilia turned her attention to me while Dorian climbed onto the bed beside her. "Feel him, Dorian. His body is pure perfection. He got – tighter- while we were away."_

 _The two of them sat on either side of me, rubbing me with their hands, feeling the hard muscle. Emilia's fingers traced my scars, Dorian's smooth palms massaged my thighs. I let my head fall back on the pillow._

" _I can't believe this is happening."_

 _Emilia started giggling, soon Dorian was laughing too. He kissed one of my biceps and gave me such a tender look I felt faint. Soon he was kissing me and making me breathless, the absolutely mystical scent of him filling my lungs. Dorian broke the kiss for a moment and the two of us looked down at Emilia, who had stopped massaging me and was staring at us in complete attention._

" _Do you like that, Emilia? Kissing your commander."_

 _Dorian kissed me again – I pulled on the restraints, hearing the headboard creak a little. I wanted to run my fingers through his thick, black hair. His kisses intoxicated me again as they did in the library. He moved his way down my body and Emilia scrambled up closer to me._

 _Dorian kissed his way down my obliques – his hands warm and mesmerizing. Finally, he reached his destination. I held my breath as he swooped down on me without hesitation. He circled my head with his tongue, swiped the flat of it against the bottom of my penis. His head bobbled in my lap and I was lost, utterly lost._

" _How are you so – fucking – good at this?"  
"Practice makes perfect, Commander."_

 _Emilia began to kiss me while Dorian worked my shaft relentlessly. She was soft and sweet and the combination of having her kiss me while I was being pleasured with Dorian's expert mouth made me melt against her lips. I yanked on the restraints again._

" _Please untie me, I am – quite willing to participate – as you can see." I dropped my head back on the pillow as Dorian intensified his efforts, now grasping me at the base while he licked the head like a lollipop. He kept me in his fist as he dipped his head to lightly lick at my balls._

" _I've been thinking about it and I can – definitely fuck both of you tonight."_

 _Emilia licked at one of my nipples before asking Dorian, "Should we untie him?"  
"I think not."_

 _Emilia kept her eyes on Dorian and my cock as she sat down my face, a little too hard, and began to grind. I could not stop her hips or push her up, I was going to smother in her cunt and I figured perhaps this was going to be the way she was going to finally kill me and get rid of me._

 _I kept licking anyhow, I was lost in the hot darkness of her soaking wet womanhood, my tongue always reaching for her the center of her passion. She was delirious, ecstatic, going out of her mind. I tugged on the restraints again and felt something give a little, but when she wouldn't get off me and let me breathe, I tugged harder, making the headboard creak again. She dismounted, her chest heaving._

" _Oh Cullen. I'm sorry, were you suffocating?"  
"I would be the happiest man in Thedas if you killed me with your pussy."_

 _Dorian intensified his efforts and I began to gasp. Emilia watched my face – as it slowly dawned on me that I couldn't orgasm._

" _I don't understand, I?"_  
 _Emilia fell back on the pillow next to me, laughing._  
 _"The stuff I put in your wine, it's also going to keep you hard – for a while."_  
 _"I have the troops to drill at sunrise, what if –"_

 _While I was panicking a bit about possibly having an erection while facing my men tomorrow morning, Dorian and Emilia switched positions on the bed._

" _Commander, only a fool thinks of business at a time like this. Now open up, there's a good lad."_

 _I didn't have much time to think before Dorian's slid his manhood into my mouth. The shock of it must have registered in my face as he looked down at me._

" _Don't be scared. Just do what you like to have done to you. And for Maker's sake, don't be ashamed. There's no reason to be."_

 _He was right. I relaxed. I began to work on Dorian, getting used to the feel of his stiffness in my mouth. I wasn't sure how to start at first so Dorian gently guided me a bit, a hand on the back of my head. Dorian and I moaned together – and Emilia chimed in as she sat down on my rigid manhood._

 _I couldn't see her riding me and bucking on top of me like a lust demon, but I could feel it. I couldn't see Dorian's expression, he kept his head thrown back in bliss – but Emilia stopped him from finishing in my mouth._

" _Dorian – don't – please wait. You – you must know what I want."  
Dorian pulled out of my mouth with an angry grunt. "Good gods woman, you have the worst timing. And no, I don't know what you want."_

 _The two of us looked down at her, still impaled on me._

" _I want you both, at the same time. Inside me."_

 _I trembled, pulling at the restraints again. "Untie me, Emilia. Let me give you what you want."_

" _No – you are still being punished, Commander."_

 _Dorian placed himself behind her and pushed her forward down on my chest. She kissed me deeply, looking into my eyes, before collapsing onto me fully. She whispered in my ear – and this is important –_ _ **that she loved me.**_

 _Dorian slowly inched his way into her other entrance, being careful and gentle – I could feel the slow torturous pleasure of him sliding into her against my shaft. The three of us were now linked together and I pushed my hips upward as much as I could. Emilia was beginning to howl like a she-wolf in heat. Dorian and I timed our thrusts into an exhilarating rhythm._

" _I want to see your face, Emilia, while Dorian and I fuck you senseless."_

 _The sound of my voice made her quiver even more. She sat up against Dorian, who held her in place._

" _Oh, do you like that, Inquisitor, when I say filthy things to you?"_

 _Dorian spoke up now, "Well I certainly like it."_

" _Do you? You liked it when I sucked your cock? What else do you want, Pavus? Do you want me to ravish you too? Perhaps you should be on the receiving end next. Or would you like to be in the middle?"_

 _My words were honeyed and languid and enough to push Emilia over the edge - she shuddered all over and climaxed between us, her wetness practically drenching my manhood, she gushed, she trembled, gasped and fell forward onto me, limp and spent._

 _Dorian pulled out and lifted her off of me, casting her to my side. With a quick snap of his fingers the restraints came undone by his magic. I sat up, rubbing my wrists and stretching – for only a heartbeat, as Dorian was on top of me, thrusting his tongue into my mouth._

" _Yes, I'm next."_

 _The two of us wrestled together for a second, a moment of boyish exuberance, each of us trying to pin the other down, but I finally bested him, turning him over while he sighed with anticipation, I ran my hands down his smooth back until I was looking at Dorian's firm, tanned, downright perfect ass in my hands and paused for a moment. "Dorian, I'm not exactly ah, experienced with…"_

 _There was another spark of magic in the air as I realized he had oiled himself up for me._

" _Go on, Cullen. Tap into those days at the Chantry when you couldn't control what your body did in the communal baths."_

 _Emilia was watching me with heated eyes, a finger working at her pussy. I wanted to make her proud, so I pushed my way into Dorian without a further thought._

 _Dorian groaned into the pillow in front of him. "Gently now, it's been a while."_

 _He felt – different – than Emilia did. He was unyielding, beyond tight, hotter than an oven and I thought I was going to pass out from bliss._

 _I worked myself slowly in and out of Dorian, truly enjoying it, while watching Emilia pleasure herself, her fingers moving faster. I gestured at her to join us. "Emilia, come along."_

 _She squirmed under Dorian, positioning himself back into her. We three were again one, and it was ridiculous how good it felt. It was sin, it was lust, but I saw Emilia's face under Dorian's – it was also love._

 _I stopped being gentle with Dorian, I slammed into him over and over again, remembering how his magnetism and charisma had kept Emilia from me for months. My thrusts pushed him into Emilia too. The harder I gave it to him, the harder she got it._

" _I told you I'd fuck you both by the night was through." I slapped Dorian's ass hard and he squealed and laughed._

" _He's an animal, you were right Emilia."_

 _She said nothing – her mouth was open, her eyes rolling back in her head, the intensity of another orgasm silencing her. Dorian came next, he gasped a long string of foreign words, pushing back against me._

 _I landed in the middle of the bed, the two of them on either side of me._

" _What did you say, Dorian?"_  
He was breathless and didn't answer. Emilia whimpered from my left. "He thanked the gods for the gift of your cock."  
"Speaking of which. I have not ah, found as much – release – as the two of you."

 _I was still unmercifully rigid._

" _Don't make me beg."  
"No, do beg, Commander. Or we'll tie you up again."_

 _I was in a great deal of pain so begging was not out of the question. "Would one of you – or both of you – please relieve me?"_

 _Dorian made a childish noise. "I need sleep, Commander. We've been at it for hours."_

 _No, I had had enough of giving. I grabbed EACH of my lovers by the hair at the nape of the necks and pulled them up._

" _Come along, get to work, be good little soldiers."_

 _They were weary from their pleasure so they did not whine for much longer. I was treated to the site of Emilia taking me into her mouth, followed by Dorian. They went back and forth, sharing me at their leisure, sometimes working at me at the same time, one sucking my head and the other roving up and down my shaft, sometimes stopping to smile and kiss each other. Tasting my manhood made Dorian hard again – soon Emilia had two cocks to work on. Dorian laid down at my side and she took each of us in hand._

 _I looked down the bed at the sight of Emilia smiling at me holding each of us in her quick little hands. I heard Dorian's breath coming faster and faster and I joined him. The last thing I saw before the heavens washed over me was us shooting our seed all over her, into the air, all over our each other, on the bed._

Cullen blotted his words and touched a hand to his brow. He had been writing for hours, the sun was rising and turning the sky a rosy pink. He had to drill the troops in two hours but his body was exhausted from the night he spent in the Inquisitor's chambers.

His spirit was exhausted as well. He had done everything she wanted him to do, but Cullen wasn't sure the simple words she had whispered to him during their orgy – "I love you" were real. He could not be certain she would feel the same way come dawn.

* * *

Emilia woke up in her chambers with a start. She looked at the light out her window and realized it was probably close to noon.

Dorian and Cullen were nowhere to be found but there was a note on the pillow next to her, in Dorian's handwriting.

" _What an exquisite night – I shall not forget it any time soon. I thank you for sharing your gift with me – and now I leave him in your very capable hands._ – D."

There was also a post script, in smaller writing: " _But if you ever want me to join in again, I promise I can- and will - help_. _Anything for a friend."_

Emilia smiled to herself with a little glee. She had been torn about choosing between Dorian – whom she just simply worshipped and adored – and Cullen, who had been in love with her since he pulled her out of the snow outside of Haven. His passion scared her. No one in her past ever seemed to have deeper, lasting feelings for her. In fact some of those lovers had been downright selfish, they wished to own her and tame her and break her. But Cullen often looked at her like she was ready to jump from the battlements for her. How many times had he spoken up for her, defended her actions? How many times did she catch him staring at her like she was made of marble and set upon a pedestal?

Dorian had helped her solve her conundrum. He knew their relationship was really based on a deep and eternal friendship, the rutting part kind of just happened one rainy night in a tent in the Fallow Mire.

A knock interrupted her thoughts. She threw on a robe and ran to the door, hoping it was the Commander, but there was just a messenger at the door.

"Sister Leliana has called a war council meeting, Herald. Your advisors desire your attendance at half past eleven."

She felt a prick of disappointment at not finding Cullen banging down her door. "Oh, well, what time is it now?"

The kid gave her a look - if she was the Herald of Andraste, she should know what time it is.  
"No attitude, please?"  
"It's a quarter till eleven, Inquisitor. I'll let them know you have received their message."  
"Thank you. And on your way back to the keep, find two servants and have them draw me a bath please?"

The kid tried to look over her shoulder into her room. She wondered if he could smell the sex in the air.

"Go on now, run."

Emilia closed the door. Her heart jumped a little knowing she'd see Cullen in just a bit. She decided to put a little more effort into how she looked today.

She dug through her closet and found a dark purple velvet gown, modestly cut but showing off her shoulders. She'd brush her hair until it shined and slipped through her fingers. She knew what perfume to wear and which baubles to place on her ears. She was going to go full charm offensive today.

Twenty minutes later she wasn't as put together as she'd like but she looked lovely enough. She burst into the war council room, her cheeks flushed.

Leliana and Josie jumped a little – a little gust of wind came in with her too, rustling some papers on the war table. Emilia's eyes darted around the room – no Cullen.

"My good lady advisors – h-how may I help you today?"  
"We must ship you off again, back to the Western Approach. There are reports of more Venatori in the area. Take your companions with you and clear them out while we have the element of surprise behind us."  
"Oh, I see. Of course. I understand."

Josie studied the Inquisitor's face. "Herald, is something wrong?  
"Where is the Commander?"  
"He is taking some of our veteran soldiers through some drills with our newest agent, the Chevalier Michel de Chevin. Rutherford cannot tear himself away from his work at times, I guess."

"Bullshit," Emilia said to herself.  
Josie's eyebrows raised. "I'm sorry?"  
"Nothing. He is clearly avoiding me. He must be – out of sorts – by our recent. Activities."

At this Leliana and Josie looked at each other out of the sides of their eyes.

"You know. Cullen. Dorian. Myself. Together at the same time. Last night. He must be ah – you know. Confused. I will see him before I depart. I can fix this."

She turned and left the council room, cracking her knuckles nervously.

Leliana and Josie looked at each other, mouths agape. Leliana found her voice first. "Did she just say what I thought she just said?"

Josie blushed all over her body. "I don't think I'll be able to look at ANY of them the same way ever again!"

Leliana pulled her friend into a hug and they burst into girlish giggles.

* * *

Emilia stormed down the steps of the main hall and headed toward the training yard. There were plenty of recruits and the Chevalier gave her a jaunty bow when she appeared at the fence around the sparring ring, but there was no golden-haired ex-Templar to be seen.

"Michel, where is Commander Rutherford? I was told he was working with you today?"  
"The man seemed under the weather, a little wistful eh? So strange, he is usually very much the unflinching soldier."  
"Thank you Michel, continue with your work."

She headed straight to his quarters, and flung open the door without knocking. Cullen was at his desk, writing with a quill into a journal, out of his armor.

"Emilia!"

He slapped the book shut, jamming it into a drawer, blushing intensely. A smirk spread across her face and he felt his heart do a somersault in his chest. "What – what are you writing? Is that your diary?"

Cullen's hand danced under the desk and she heard an extra click of a lock. "Inquisitor, can I help you with something?"

Emilia's smirk disappeared. "Oh, we're back to 'Inquisitor' are we? You know I hate that."

Cullen said nothing, but could not bring himself to meet her eyes.

"Are you unwell, Cullen? Michel said you were sick?"

She crossed around his desk, pressing a hand to his forehead. Cullen pulled away as though her hand was on fire.

"I am fine, Herald. I just have a bit of a headache – perhaps from, the wine. And what you put in it."

"Cullen, please don't be – ashamed about last night. It was what I wanted – it was what all of us wanted."

His next words were soft. "I'm not ashamed. I'm just trying to sort out how I feel. I'm not sure I can – be with you – and be with everyone you are with. Call me traditional, but the idea of doing what we did last night for the rest of our lives is – fucking exhausting."

He laughed a little, he couldn't help it, but his words stung Emilia. _Does he really think I want two men in my bed all the time?_

 _And did he just mention - the rest of our lives?_

A bell rang in the courtyard – it was the signal that wounded soldiers and refugees were coming in through the gates of Skyhold. The two looked at each other knowing they could not continue their discussion now that more important matters were at hand. Cullen got up and crossed the room to where his armor hung in the corner. He started to pull on his boots and his greaves.

"Cullen, I'm leaving for the Western Approach again. I am not sure when I will be back. Or if I will be back."

He stopped putting on his armor and walked straight up to her. His amber eyes bore into her as his hand clutched her arm.

"You will be back. You're the strongest woman I know."

"Cullen, please, kiss me before I go."

He dropped his gauntlet on the floor with a clang and swept her up in his arms. His lips made her weak at the knees, she had to hold on to his shoulders. The bells kept tolling as he explored her mouth and she felt the world drift away. When he ended the kiss, she was trembling. She loved him, she was now sure.

"We will talk further when you get back. And in the meantime – don't go and get yourself killed."

She remembered those same words from the day she had caught him in Dorian's embrace and instead of making her bitter about that day, they made her smile.

"I won't."

Emilia rode off that day, Vivienne, Varric and Iron Bull at her side. She wasn't thinking about all the Venatori blood she was going to spill because that was a given. She instead meditated on how she could prove to Cullen she loved him – and that he was the first man she ever truly loved.

* * *

A month went by and the war council began to worry about Emilia and her companions. She was often back from very difficult missions in ten or fourteen days, she had cleared out the Hinterlands in one week's time. Cullen wanted to send a small detachment of soldiers to the Approach but Josie and Leliana were against it.

Josie tried to reassure him. "Cullen, we mustn't panic. I'm sure they must have stumbled into something else, maybe more red lyrium deposits. Emilia also can't help herself if there is loot in the area. You know how she is with those - naughty fingers."

He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck at this comment looking away. Josie grinned at Leliana, but the Spymaster gave her a stern look – they shouldn't torture him while he's already so worried.

"If she's not back in a week, we will consider your option, Commander. In the meantime, you look like you need some sleep." Leliana pushed him toward the door.

Cullen couldn't rest while she was away, at the most he got two hours a night. He was feeling tortured about their exchange in his office before she left. He kept replaying that moment when she touched his forehead and he pulled away. What had made him act like such an ass? He had left her with doubts about his feelings in a spectacular display of self-sabotage. He mused to himself darkly that it was as if he had just kicked the entire chess board of their courtship over, sending the pieces flying.

His lack of sleep was beginning to affect his performance, and the next day Cullen's second in command felt the need to tell the Spymaster about how he had nearly toppled over in exhaustion during the morning drills. Leliana sent him to his quarters with a strict order to sleep – for an entire day if need be.

Cullen was pacing in his room after nightfall, disobeying Leliana's wishes, thinking about the 7,000 different things that might have gone wrong in the Western Approach. A knock at his door made him stop.

"Go away, I'm…sleeping."  
Dorian answered back, "It doesn't _sound_ like you're sleeping."  
"Alright then - I'm busy."

He tapped again. If it was possible for someone to knock on a door flirtatiously, Dorian knew how to do it.

"Come on, Cullen. Open up. Everyone's bloody worried about you. You need to eat and you need to sleep. If you let me in I PROMISE to not to ravage you all over. Unless you want me to. Then I will oblige you. But only if you ask."

He knew the mage wasn't going to give up, so he unlocked the door and let him in.

"Andraste's Elbow, you look horrible."

Dorian breezed past him with a tray of food and a bottle of wine, both of which he put on his office desk.

"Sit and eat. And then I will give you something to sleep."

Cullen shuffled over to his desk and sat down. "You didn't put it in my drink again did you?"

"As I have said at least 8 times before, *I* didn't drug you and tie you up, *Emilia* drugged you and tied you up. Besides, no harm came of it, right?"

Dorian glanced at him, wondering how he was going to respond. He was pleased to see Cullen blushing, his ears red.

Dorian pulled the tea towel off his dinner and the smell of roasted chicken filled the air. "I am going to sit here until you finish all of it, so don't bother having an opinion about this."

"Thank you, Dorian," Cullen mumbled. Dorian chose a book off his shelves and settled in to read while the Commander forced himself to eat.

Halfway through the chicken leg, Cullen stopped, his head rolling forward.

"Cullen, what's wrong?"  
"Dorian, what if she's dead? What if they're all dead, and all we did is sit here and do nothing about it? I won't forgive myself if we never find them."

Cullen was on the edge of a breakdown, Dorian could see it in his face. He put his book down and crossed the room to his side.

"I think you should just take the sleeping draught now. You're upsetting yourself and it's also beginning to upset me."

"Dorian – she came to my office the night after our – you-know-what. I think she was coming to tell me how she felt about me and I was an idiot fool. I was still jealous of you – and not just you – but all the other men that she might want to bed down with."

"You are a bit of an idiot fool, but all men are, especially when it comes to love. And I assure you – I wasn't ever really your rival. The two of you are so terribly stubborn and prideful, why not just fall into bed and rut? No, you have to make it difficult. Now finish that chicken leg please. Emilia doesn't want you to be skin and bones when she gets back. She'll want her big Ex-Templar fired up and ready to go."

Cullen forced himself to finish, chasing it with a big goblet of wine. Dorian handed him a small potion bottle, emerald green, the exact color of her eyes. He pulled the cork on it and drank it down.

"Now, to bed, Commander. I will tuck you in so Leliana doesn't chastise me for not following her many details."

Cullen headed for the ladder – the potion was quick working, he was already feeling drowsy. Dorian followed him up into his loft.

Cullen was wavering on his feet a little, a loopy look on his face. "Well, hello, sexy. Come here often?"

Dorian rolled his eyes, "Solas said you'd get a little silly right before you succumb to the potion. Sit down and behave."

With the lightest of pushes, Dorian nudged him onto his bed. Cullen flopped back like a ragdoll, giggling a little.

"Oh, Emilia will never believe me if I tell her you actually giggled. I've never heard you giggle before." Dorian helped him with his boots, yanking them off and throwing them in a corner.

At the mention of Emilia's name Cullen sat back up again. "Dorian, don't go. The sound of your voice reminds me of her somehow."

Dorian was staring at his lips. He wanted to relive some of the things they had done together that night in Emilia's room but in his condition he'd be taking advantage of him.

"I will stay. In a very similar way, being near you reminds me of her too."

Cullen stretched out on his bed, leaving plenty of room for Dorian to lie down. To Dorian's surprise, Cullen pulled him close, holding him in his arms. Barely a minute passed when Cullen's eyes fluttered shut and he finally slept.

Dorian sighed and hoped Emilia would come home soon, if only because he could not trust himself around this gorgeous, sensitive soldier.

* * *

In the Fade, Cullen was reunited with Emilia again. They were in the Herald's Rest, surrounded by carousing friends and Skyhold citizens. Cullen was standing against the wall – naked – while Emilia flung daggers around his form.

She was aiming for an apple balanced on his head. "Hold still, Commander. I have you in my sight."

She flicked a dagger at him and it landed square on his heart – instead of causing him pain, it gave him exquisite pleasure. Emilia walked up to him, and pushed the dagger deeper into him. The sound in the pub grew louder, he couldn't hear what Emilia was saying to him.

He leaned forward, bringing his ear closer to her. She pulled the dagger out of him and pushed it back in again, harder – and repeated this again, and again, and again, his blood covering her knife.

"I haven't come home because I've been fucking half of Orlais. Does that upset you?"

Cullen reacted to her words, trying to pull her in for a kiss – but she disappeared – and the scene changed.

He found himself on the dance floor at the Winter Palace – masked dancers swirling around him, the smell of their heavy perfumes making him feel sick. They waltzed around him, and he searched their faces for any sign of the Inquisitor.

Cullen pushed his way off the dance floor – heading for the empty room where he had roughly taken her. He yanked open countless doors in the palace, finding scenes of horror – Red Templars singing the song of their addiction, blood mages cutting and slicing open their victims, darkspawn tearing people to pieces – but at the end of the hallway, he found a long line of men waiting for something in that last room. He followed them in, pushing past them and their objections. He found Emilia on a chaise lounge, being held down by two men who were ripping at her gown.

He called out for her, and she located his face in the crowd. The other suitors pulled him back, keeping him away from her. He could read the words on her lips – " _Please – please help me, Cullen."_

Cullen tried to overpower the men holding him back, and his reward was a punch to the jaw. Everything went black.

When he regained focus, he was in a very familiar place – a quiet dock on a lake in Ferelden, back home in Honnleath. He used to come here when he was a child, to be alone with his thoughts, before any horror had touched his life.

As he walked down the little dock, he realized Emilia was standing at the end of it, leaning against a post, smoking one of her little special cigarettes - _Cullen twitched in his sleep – waking Dorian a bit. That smell. How he missed it._

He approached her, touching her on her elbow. After all he had seen already, he was worried she would turn to face him and have the face of a demon or worse yet, have the face of his mother or sister, but there she was – as lovely as ever.

They said nothing, he simply pressed his lips to hers, wrapping an arm around her waist, pulling her close. Emilia touched his cheek and he could really feel her – it was one of those rare moments in the Fade when you did not believe you were dreaming.

"I wish you wouldn't worry so much about me. You look so tired, Cullen."

He was about to speak when there was a sound coming from the sky above them – wings – the sound of dragon's wings.

* * *

Cullen's flicked open. Dorian was gone and it appeared to be mid-morning. He had at least slept 8 hours, but they were fitful ones. He felt a little better –seeing Emilia in a dream state was better than not seeing her at all.

 _Perhaps when we are married, I will have a painting of her commissioned._

He wanted to slap himself thinking such things. As ridiculous as he had felt at times during his infatuation with Emilia now he felt like he had truly gone a little insane.

He pulled himself together and got ready for the day. He remembered with a little sadness that he hadn't written anything new in his journal in a while. He hadn't even been able to take it out and look at it while she was away, it hurt too much. It also made him feel like a cad, all those sexual details he had been so excited about.

He splashed cold water on his face, fixed his hair and headed for the training yard. On the way down the steps he thought to himself, " _Perhaps tonight I will write a nice, not too sexual poem about the Inquisitor, just to balance things out – a sonnet, about her bravery and deeds and not about her tits and the perfect curve of her ass pressing back against me as I – "_

A clamor from the courtyard stopped his thoughts from sliding back into the carnal – whoever was ringing the bell wasn't signaling properly whether it was something dangerous or something ordinary. As he got closer to the courtyard he started to hear the shouts of the Skyhold citizens – "The Inquisitor! She's back!"

Cullen walked faster, pushing his way through the crowd. Somewhere in the middle he bumped into Dorian, whose face was as worried as his. They worked together now, making their way toward what had the crowd so excited. He thought he heard the word "dragon" on someone's lips and a rush of nausea hit him. Was his dream a premonition?

Dorian and Cullen made it to the edge of the crowd, joining Josephine and Leliana, just in time to see a mule-drawn wagon creaking into the courtyard, Iron Bull and Varric riding up front, four horses tethered to the back, trudging behind the entourage.

Iron Bull hopped off the seat, turning to the worried advisors.

"Listen, it looks worse than it is, she's going to get better. Vivienne has her all hopped up on some pain relieving spell. But guess what – "

Varric stood up from the front seat of the wagon, holding up the last 3 feet of a dragon's tail. "The Inquisitor killed a dragon!"

Iron Bull shouted back "We! We killed a dragon" but the crowd broke into an uproar, drowning him out. While they were fixated on Varric's words and Iron Bull's commentary, the advisors and Dorian circled around to the back of the wagon, where the sight of a broken Emilia caused them all to gasp. Leliana and Josie darted away, looking for healers and more mages to help.

Vivienne looked exhausted, she had been trying to keep her alive for the entire journey.

"She sustained a concussion, she has several broken ribs, she's dislocated her left shoulder, has a pretty bad gash across her back that won't stop bleeding, and during the entire trek home, she has been _babbling_ about some rather embarrassing things."

Dorian held out a hand to Vivienne to help her out of the wagon. Vivienne said this next part mostly to Cullen: "I wish I could have stopped her, darling. I fear Varric has much too much material for his next book."

Vivienne began leading him away – and Dorian shot Cullen a look of distress. "Come along dear, we are going to put together a plan to get the Inquisitor back on her feet again. We mages can fix this."

Emilia's voice called out to him from where she was lying, weak and broken: "Don't worry Dori, I love you, I will see you soon."

Cullen stepped up into the wagon gently, not wanting to jostle her.

"Emilia, you – what have you done?"  
Emilia broken into a wide grin – followed by a painful wince. He took her right hand in his and kissed it, there were tears in his eyes threatening to fall.

"I brought you a gift."

She gestured to something wrapped in a piece of blood-stained cloth, resting near her head. He opened the heavy bundle; it was a dragon's tooth, nearly 12 inches long. He was speechless – he wanted to tell her about his dream last night but he heard Leliana's stern voice coming closer and closer. Emilia heard her too and squeezed Cullen's hand.

"I know you have done some – things – lately that you normally wouldn't do, for the sake of - I don't know what. Impressing me? Toying with me? Winning my affection? I don't know. I just wanted to show you I too can do some impossible things – for you."

Hands were pulling him away from her, out of the wagon. Two healers readied a stretcher while the others lifted her together. She yelped in pain, calling for Cullen, but Blackwall and Cassandra had to hold him back from intervening. Cassandra gave his arm an extra squeeze to reassure him. "You must let them do their work, Cullen. At least she is home again."

They let him go once Emilia disappeared into the infirmary. Blackwall finally noticed what Cullen had in his hands.

"A dragon's tooth? Maker's breath, that's one hell of a souvenir. The most any woman has ever given me was a little sad poetry. A sonnet about my bravery. Total drivel. But a dragon's tooth – that's special."

The two warriors left him standing there in the courtyard, feeling a little faint – and also deciding to skip the poetry in his journal tonight.

He did write a little in his book though, drinking some wine and staring at the big hunk of dragon tooth on his desk. She was so small, so light-footed – how in the Void did she help take down a dragon, not to mention dig out one of his teeth. Iron Bull had told him a few of the details outside of her sick room in the hallway. He and Varric kept the beast distracted while Vivienne hit it with ice shards - and Emilia had climbed up the back of the beast all the way up its neck – where she stabbed it repeatedly in the head until it collapsed with a thump that shook the ground. She had taken the brunt of her injuries attempting to scale the dragon who shook her off a few times before she had been successful. Iron Bull shook his head in disbelief just remembering what Emilia could accomplish.

"Listen friend, that's a once in a lifetime woman you've got there. What are you going to do about it?"

 _What_ _am_ _I going to do about it? What am I so worried about?_

He took a bigger sip of the wine and kept writing.

 _I am worried I am not exciting enough for her._

 _I am worried I am just another passing fancy and that in a week's time she will grow tired of me and move on to another lover – and that I would be witness to her new passion._

 _I am worried that if or when she casts me aside, I will not be able to put myself back together. Lyrium will call to me again in my weakness._

 _I am worried after we destroy Corypheus once and for all, she will become the most desired woman in all the land and she will marry accordingly due to her station. A woman of her mettle, her class, and her beauty should rightly never love me back. I am a man with a past blacker than hers._

A runner with a message interrupted his writing. He put the journal away in its special place and bid the boy to enter. The dragon's tooth kept the papers on his desk from flying away when the door swung open. The kid's eyes grew wide at the sight of it.

"Ser, I know I should not ask –"

Cullen did not look up from the note he had delivered. Scouts had found some strange caves in the Exalted Plains with locked doors that could not be open with human hands.

"Go on Jim, spit it out."  
"Is – is that the tooth of the dragon the Inquisitor killed on her own?  
"She didn't kill it on her own, she had _some_ assistance."

Jim's eyes were fixated on the object.  
"Ser, she gave it - to you?"

Cullen groaned. He knew the word would be out in less than 5 minutes, that the Inquisitor and the Commander were possibly – bunk buddies.

"Jim, if I let you hold it, will you swear to the Maker that you will not – make a big deal about this with the rest of the troops. For at least 3 days?"

Jim nodded and kept nodding as he picked up the tooth.

"Wow, it's heavy!"

Cullen rolled his eyes as he dashed off a response to the note. "Alright, put it back down now, and take this to Leliana."

Jim put the tooth back on the desk and grabbed the letter from him. "Thank you, Ser! The boys will never believe me anyhow!"

The sight of her trophy was making him long for her even more. He knew if he tried to get near her sick room again those blasted mage healers would make him leave. He was going to need a little help if he was to get closer to her. He knew only one man in Skyhold would be willing to assist.

He threw on his coat and headed for Dorian's room.

* * *

Cullen tapped on Dorian's door, hearing some murmurs and whispering inside. His knock only made the whispering intensify but nobody would answer. He knocked harder, being official now.

Dorian grunted from inside – "Who the bloody hell is it at this time of night?"  
Cullen didn't want to answer, not sure who he was with inside. He heard the creak of bedsprings and a beat later he swung open the door, clad only in a purple robe –

"Maker's balls, what the – oh, Cullen, it's you. Is Emilia alright?"

Cullen looked over Dorian's shoulder and saw one of the Inquisition's messenger runners all tangled up in the mage's sheets.

"You certainly got over me quickly."  
"Commander, are you jealous?"  
"Oh, my vanity is a little hurt, but I'm glad one of us is having fun."  
"And I would like to return to that fun as soon as I can – is there something you need?"

"Dorian, they won't let me near Emilia in the sick ward. Solas practically ran me off with an iron mace and you know how reserved he is. I understand you mages are taking turns helping heal her?"

"Yes, we've been caring for her around the clock. Let me guess – you want me to…" Cullen nodded, anguish in his eyes.

"I have to see her, please. She attacked that dragon in order to prove something to me. I feel responsible for her pain."

Dorian heaved a sigh. "Your presence causes her pulse to race, Commander. There is a good reason they are keeping you away."

Cullen had hoped Dorian would have acquiesced to his request instead of being resistant.

"I'll get you a case of that pink wine you like so much –"  
"I'm flattered you remember my tastes, Cullen, but –"

"Any hard to find tomes you are desiring? Send me a list, I will procure them for you."  
"I haven't even read all the books in Skyhold yet, I don't really need –"

"I'll do – that thing you like. You know – "  
"That _thing_ _I like_ is precisely what I am trying to do at the moment, Cullen, but you are interrupting us with your selfish demands!"

Cullen was out of cards to play, so he chose a rather silly one. He dropped to his knees in front of Dorian, wrapping his arms around his legs.

"Pleeeeeeeaaaase Dorian."

For added benefit, he kissed one of the mage's kneecaps - and gave his thigh a little bite for good measure, rubbing his cheek on his robe with sincere devotion. Dorian's new boy toy lying on the bed leaned forward to see this, a smile playing about his face.

"Oh come on Dori, the man is desperate. Just give him what he wants and get back to giving _me_ what I want."

Dorian looked down at the Commander. "You're lucky I still quite fancy you, Commander – and want to get back to _him_. In three days' time I will have the night's watch over Emilia starting at midnight. There's a forgotten door in the infirmary along the east wing that is usually locked from the inside but I will make sure it is not. Now will you please leave?"

Cullen sprung to his feet, a crooked grin on his face. "Thank you, Dorian!" He gave the mage a big bear hug that lifted him off his feet and when he put him back down he planted a big kiss on his lips before almost skipping off with joy.

Dorian closed the door, turning back to his new lover.

"Did - the Commander - just kiss you on the lips?"  
"It's a long story and I will tell it to you one day. If I find you pleasing enough tonight."

* * *

The next three days could not go by fast enough. Cullen had never realized how fully boring some of his Inquisition business was without the singular delight of having to deal with her or talk to her or be in the same room with her. It was worse knowing she was nearby but could not participate.

He was practicing in the training yard with some daggers, probably looking like a mooning abandoned lover, when Cole's voice interrupted his thoughts. He kept throwing the knives at the training dummy, crossing back to get them only to do it all over again.

"She is thinking of you, Commander. She is worried about you. Her bones ache but not because they are broken but because she wants you at her side."

Cullen did not stop from his dagger work, but he couldn't help his curiosity. "Cole, did you tell her anything about me?"

"Only that you are hungry, and tired, and broken too. But you were long broken, before she even met you."

"I wish you hadn't reminded her of that."  
"She doesn't mind. She thinks you – match."

Cullen stopped in his tracks at that word.  
"She also wants to know what you have locked up in your desk."

With this, he disappeared.

That night Cullen slipped into the sick ward, using the door Dorian had pointed out to him. The Inquisitor was in her own private room, resting under a glowing purple veil of healing light. He didn't want to wake her, he only stood at the foot of her bed, watching her chest rise and fall, assuring himself she was alive and would get better.

A small sigh parted her lips and Cullen couldn't help himself, he felt a ping of arousal. He inhaled sharply, trying to will himself to not be such a pervert. Cullen coughed, trying to calm himself, and the sound made Emilia's eyes flutter open and look right at him.

"Cullen? Is it really you?"  
He took a few swift steps to be at her side and she pulled herself up, grimacing at the pain.  
"Please don't move – not just for your sake, but for mine. If they find out I was in here everyone will have me hanging from my toes in the great hall."

They both reached out to each other, their hands were stopped by the magic protecting her. She pouted, pressing her palm against the shield.

"Oh Cullen, I just want to touch you." He pressed his palm against hers.  
"How much longer do you have to be in here?"  
"They are not sure. When I feel better, I will feel better."

Cullen dropped to his knees next to her bed, pressing his forehead against the barrier around her.

"Emilia – there is so much I want to say to you. I'm sorry – our, relationship, or whatever it's been, has been so – fraught with conflict."

He said that last phrase with a little sourness. She coughed a little, her broken rib bothering her. "I'm sorry too, Cullen. I don't always make my own life very easy for myself. I like to get into _trouble_."

The way she said this word made Cullen's cock twinge again. "When you say that word, it makes me – long for you, Emilia. You are trouble – in the flesh."

He lifted his gaze to her and her eyes were full of desire.

"I _fucking miss you,_ Cullen. The things you've done to me – for me – with me…"

Dorian swung open the door to her room, making Cullen dart to his feet, with a look of faux-innocence on his face, his cock half-hard in his britches.

"Cullen, I can hear two of the healer girls in the hallway, you need to get out of here, now!"

Dorian kept an eye on the hallway as he gestured at Cullen to vacate the sickroom.

"Wait, Emilia, I have some things for you – three things in particular."

He took a few objects out of his pockets and put them on her nightstand next to her bed – first her beloved cigarettes in her favorite silver case, then a box of matches – her face melted at the sight of these things. He knew her so well.

But he also left her a small key.

"Come on Commander, hurry now."

Cullen turned to his beloved. "When you are well enough to do so, you will walk up the stairs to my office and unlock my desk. I've left you some things there that are very important to me. And they are yours now."

Cullen pressed his palm to hers against the light. He wished he could feel just her hand, just the barest touch, but he only felt the barrier around her. He exited through the secret door before the two healers could arrive.

When they stepped into her room, she sat up a little more, pain etched across her face.

"Can't you people make this thing go a little faster?" She tapped a petulant finger against the healing barrier, looking at that key on her nightstand.

* * *

Nearly 10 days later, the Inquisitor could stand on her feet and take very weak, wobbly steps with the help of two crutches. The mages and healers let her step into the courtyard on her own – where soldiers, refugees, friends and allied nobles were all waiting for her. Cheers of relief and praise filled the walls of Skyhold – but Emilia was not one for this kind of attention. She waved them off with a rogue's humility, "Now now, none of that, there's work to be done is there not?"

Dorian came to her side, taking away one of her crutches, letting her lean on him as she made her way through the enthusiastic crowd. "My dear, it is absolutely glorious to see you up and about again, this place was so terribly dull without you." Dorian's new beau came to her other side, taking both crutches from them now.

"And let me guess, this is your new little friend –"  
"You're not displeased, are you, Emilia?"  
"Never, Dorian. Only happy for you, my love."

She paused, a little in pain, to reach up and touch Dorian's cheek. Dorian peered into her eyes. "I know what you're wondering – where's the golden Ser Rutherford? He was called away to the Griffon Wing Keep to oversee the reconstruction of their broken siege weapons. The poor man, you should have seen the condition he was in while you were away and he certainly didn't want to leave while you were still recuperating – but duty is duty, and he had to go."

Emilia heard his words with empty, hurt eyes, and pushed herself away from Dorian and her beau – away from the grasping hands of others who wanted to help her. Step by painful step, she started taking the stairs up to his office and quarters. Dorian called out to her – "Emilia?"

Her slow ascent to his office door was her signal to the world - the Inquisitor was in love with her Commander. She stepped into his office, inhaling the familiar smell of him, armor polish, dusty books, clean soap, hard-earned sweat – plus the sublime things about him, his confidence and loyalty.

She hobbled to his desk, clutching the tiny key he gave her, feeling for the hidden drawer she had seen him fumble with before she left for the Western Approach. She rattled his desk all over, _where was the bloody drawer?_

She took a deep breath, sitting down in his chair, slowing her pulse. _What happened to your thief's instincts? Calm down, you excitable slut._ She lit a smoke and got down under the desk on her back. She imagined she was the pre-Inquisitor Emilia, breaking into Cullen's office, looking for his valuables – a watch on a gold chain, purse of silver, a bejeweled dagger, an ivory halla carving, intricate and bewitching. Loose diamonds, rubies and pearls. She thought of these lovely little imaginary things and began to relax. With patience, she tapped all over his desk with her knuckle until she finally heard a hollow sound, then with the lightest, subtle touch, she swept her fingers over the panel, as though it was Cullen's smooth, muscled chest. She finally located the keyhole she could not detect with her sight. Emilia almost whimpered with relief as she slid open the hidden drawer.

She picked up the two journals Cullen had left for her.

Inside one cover, in his charming, slightly smudged handwriting, it read: _**BEFORE EMILIA.  
**_ The second volume's title made her heart flutter - _**AFTER EMILIA.**_

She dashed to one of the doors, swinging it open, knowing there would be two guards on watch nearby.

"Boys, would you send a message to the kitchen. I'll be having dinner in Commander Cullen's office. I'm – helping him with some paperwork while he's away."

The guards nudged each other at the same time, knocking elbows together.

"No need for nudging. Have them bring me a bottle of wine too. It's, quite a bit of paperwork."

She shut the door before she could see their gloating faces – but then swung it open again. "Oh, and I'll need an ashtray if you please."

Emilia devoured the first journal before midnight – and decided to re-read it again. The man had been through so much, everything about the mage rebellion in Kirkwall and what _they_ had done to him filled her with rage and sorrow. And it broke her heart again to think of him lost after those events, binging on lyrium, and according to his confessions - pawing at a string of barmaids whose names or faces he could hardly remember. Emilia sat up straight when she thought of those girls. What was that feeling? Was that – actual jealousy?

She started in on the second journal, the one she was nervous about.

* * *

Cullen and his small division of soldiers returned to Skyhold the very next day. As they took the curve in the mountain, the castle coming into sight, Cullen tried to steady the drumbeat of his heart. If she had been able to walk before he got back, she would have read everything by now. If she was still healing, he had time – he had time to destroy everything he had written and leave a fucking flower in the drawer, or something else passably trite. He now regretted his literary candor and spurred his horse on to move faster to the gates. He still had a chance with Emilia.

Cullen ran from the stables to his office, not giving anyone an explanation. He swung open his office door and found Emilia asleep in the chair behind his desk, an empty bottle of wine and a burned out candle next to her. He was too late.

He stood in the doorway, letting in the breeze behind him. The cool air roused her from her rest.

"Cullen."

She sat up, revealing the journal about _her,_ underneath her on the desk top. He could not find words to speak to her. He tried to read her face, but she was mostly sleepy.

"Is everything alright? Were you able to repair the Inquisition's catapults, and – "

She could not fake being interested in why he was away any longer. "Why won't you _say anything_ , Rutherford?"

He crossed to her side of the desk but did not touch her. "Emilia, do hate me? Because of who I was? And – the things I've thought about, ever since you came into my life? Am I a pig? A murderer? A drug addict? A- "

She cut him off with a kiss, getting up from his chair and sitting down on the desk in front of him. When she stopped the kiss, she told him: "Cullen, I am yours."

"For now, or – for always?"  
"For always, you daft man."

He knelt at her feet at these words, resting his forehead against her soft suede boot.

But she had an addition – "Besides, I know, if you truly loved me and I felt like – I don't know, inviting someone into _our_ bedchambers, for just a little bit of fun and spice, I know you'd let me, right?"

He blushed and nodded, still prostrate at her feet. "Oh do stand up, everyone's been so officious with me lately it's driving me mad."

He stood up in front of her, fire lit in his eyes. He swept everything off his desk, wine bottle, ashtray and ash going everywhere, papers, maps, journals, quill and ink bottle. Emilia began working at his muddy armor while he fumbled with the intricate ties on her boots and up the back of her vest.

"How do you even get into these things?"  
"I could ask the same of you, darling."

His armor dropped to the ground piece by piece, but she disrobed long before he was. They kept their eyes locked on each other while he finished removing everything, until they were stood before each other, naked, breathing deeply. They had never been together like this – just the two of them, with all the time in the world. Emilia blushed and looked away.

"What's wrong?"  
"I suddenly feel shy, I know it's ridiculous."

Cullen gently led her to the desk, bidding her to sit down on it.

"Then I'm going to kiss you – all over – just to start."

He got back on his knees again, to start with her feet. She giggled as he kissed the top of her big toe, working his way to the ankle, skimming up her shin, giving her kneecap a playful bite.

"Oh, I forgot, you have two of everything. Better start over again."

He went back to her left big toe and repeated everything again. He had now made his way up to her thighs, and Emilia was getting hotter, and wetter, as she felt his breath and his lips getting closer and closer to where she longed for him to be ever since he walked through the door.

He pulled his chair up to the desk closer to her, closer to his – very important work.

"It's a shame I have to spend so much time at this desk. Tending to my duties. Doing the things my Inquisitor commands me to do."

He was kissing his way up her thighs. "The Inquisitor appreciates the Commander's discipline and hard work – and he certainly has a way with words. His reports are – positively sparkling with details."

Cullen scooped his two hands around her arse and pulled her to the edge of the desk. Emilia put her feet on the armrests of his chair. He was staring at her cunt, transfixed, no longer able to keep up the playful banter. He ran a solitary finger from the top of her slit to the bottom, so lightly, not lingering. Emilia leaned back on the desk in pleasure, her breasts pointing skyward, head thrown back, hair spreading across her shoulders.

"This is sight I never want to forget."

He dipped his head to his work, licking her slowly and lightly, circling her clit and pushing his lips against her. He listened to Emilia's little noises, her gasps and inhalations. He kept licking her pussy, making her positively drip. This is always how he had wanted her, right here on the desk, the desk that was his prison most of the time. She was now turning it into an altar.

"Cullen, enough, I want you."

He stood up, his cock very, very hard. She ghosted her own hands over her tits, looking up at him. "Be gentle, go slow. Like it's our first time."

He scooped her up in the crook of one arm and headed for the ladder up to his loft. He could easily carry her like this, placing her gently on the middle of his bed.

She opened herself to him and he got on top of her gingerly, still thinking of her sore ribs and her aching back. With an unhurried push, he glided into her and stopped, looking at her face.

"Are you alright?"  
"Are you being fucking serious?"

They both started laughing, and Cullen continued his gentle undulations. There would be no slapping, or gripping, or merciless slamming tonight. He made love to her as though she could break. He took her two legs and raised them up against her chest, so her ankles were pressing into his ears. He kept his slow and arduous pace, watching the sweat glisten on her body.

He kept one hand on one of her smooth legs, and reached the other one forward, two fingers on either side of her pleasure center, and began to circle it gently. Emilia moaned into the back of her hand.

"Don't do that. Let the guards on watch hear. We have nothing to hide now."

She threw her head back onto his pillow and bellowed, "Oh FUCK, Commander, when you TOUCH MY CLIT like that it makes me want to DIE!"

He fell forward on her, their laughter joining together, covering up her mouth now. He couldn't help it anymore, he had to start fucking her a little harder or he was going to go blind with frustration. She peeled the hand off her mouth and kissed him, as he started to press himself deeper, and deeper into her.

She chanted his name into his ear, "Cullen, Cullen, Cullen, yes, yes yes –"  
For a tiny moment, he looked up around the room and realized he was finally here in his own room with her, on the bed where all he had done was meditate on every facet of her. She was finally in his arms, gripping the sheets on his bed. He started to feel her clenching around him, gasping his name into his ear, as they found release together.

He laid down at her side, kissing her shoulder, an arm still around her waist. She looked up at the little crack in his roof – but then felt something roll across her shoulder.

"Cullen – are you crying?"  
"Yes, Maker's breath. You don't know how long I've wanted this."  
"Oh yes I do, I've seen that journal of yours."

He buried his face in her neck with embarrassment. "Do you forgive me, Emilia?"  
"You have nothing to be sorry for."

He stayed wrapped around her all night, now that he had her he wasn't going to easily let her go.

* * *

The next morning she woke up in his bed, a little beam of light from that crack in the ceiling illuminating a part of the pillow near her face. "Cullen?" she called out, conditioned by her past to wonder if a lover had just callously left her there to awaken on her own.

"I'm down here, Emilia. I have breakfast for you."

Emilia looked around and grabbed a tunic of Cullen's to pull on before descending the ladder to his office. He had cleaned up the mess from last night and had some of Emilia's favorites waiting on a tray for her – cream buns with strawberries, strong green tea, a small plate with crispy bacon, and little potato pancakes with spring onions. She felt shy around him again. Of course he would know what she loved. And of course he would provide it to her.

He grinned his crooked smile at her when he saw her in his tunic, and pulled a chair out for her to sit. She began devouring one of the cream buns while he devoured her with his eyes.

"I like the look of you in my clothing."  
"Well, get used to it. And I'm going to buy you nicer things. Why is this tunic so itchy? And why is there a hole in the roof right over your bed? Does it snow on you in the winter? I'll fix all of that."

He crossed to the other side of the desk and sat down – and with a sly look on his face, he took his Emilia journal out of the hidden drawer and placed it before him. He dipped his quill in the nearby inkwell and started writing.

"And what do you think you're doing?"  
"I'm writing in my journal about you. About what happened last night."  
"Do you still have to do that now that you have me – at hand?"

He felt her clever little foot tracing up his shin to his thigh under the desk. He only smiled and kept writing.

"I don't want to forget anything about you, or about us. And if you're a good girl, and finish your breakfast, I'll let you read it when I'm done."


End file.
